Anyone that has taken a car ride through any random neighborhood with me during the winter months knows about my issues with Christmas decorations. I'm overly passionate about it and borderline obsessed with other people's Christmas decorations, to the point where I would go out into the night and re-arrange people's shit if it was guaranteed that I wouldn't get arrested. I'm not out to harm or steal anybody's property, I just want to arrange it to my liking, but most folks aren't too fond of that and aren't afraid to call the cops when someone (me) is messing with their baby Jesus manger scene.
Rather than me describe what I hate, I'll try to find some pictures because pictures are more fun than reading my rambling words.
Shit like this:
And this:
Is absolutely unacceptable. Nobody cares about your damn inflatable holiday cheer!! I've become pretty accurate with the blow gun as of late and I'll have Blarb drive the getaway car while I flatten every over-sized gaudy Christmas decoration within a million-mile radius. I mean it, fuckers.
THIS is causing me anxiety right now...just STOP IT. Too much!!
Also...the pattern in which people's house lights blink is also a major source of rage for me. As a general rule, I don't enjoy blinking lights. Especially when most folks can't figure out how to coordinate the blinking so that it doesn't look like your house is having a damn seizure because it's blinking all over the fucking place. They make lights nowadays that can twinkle and fade in and out very nicely in a very coordinated fashion and it won't make you look like the idiots of the neighborhood that can't get their shit together. It doesn't take a rocket scientist...just pull up a tutorial on Youtube and you're good to go. THIS looks like a very coordinated house that I could enjoy without having a fucking screaming fit about:
...as long as the whole damn thing doesn't BLINK out of SUCCESSION and after I flatten all those stupid blow-up dolls. Damn it!
I know that Christmas is all about Christianity and I love and respect all that jazz. I really do. But giant life-sized manger scenes such as this:
...is fucking weird. Life-sized statues such as these are not natural or meant to be purchased by the average American and displayed in ones yard. Shit like this is for the movies. And then there are the crazy-asses who are completely stupid and use real live people for this scene and decide that they want to stand outside in sub-zero weather, in a robe, COMPLETELY STILL FOR HOURS IN THIS POSE just to get your point across this holiday season?? Ya'll are fuckin crazy. This is Minnesota, get real! (Although in the picture above there doesn't appear to be any snow but whatever) Nativity scenes are meant to be small and cute and are supposed to fit in a corner of your living room (you know, the room WITHOUT the TV but with the nice couch that is only allowed to be utilized during holidays) and once you decide to dress up like a life-sized manger scene member, I might have to question your mental status. In other words: just don't.
The moral of this story is that I am the Christmas Decoration Bat-Shit Crazy Nazi and if you don't want to catch me creepin outside your house unplugging shit and rearranging your manger and sleigh then you better just call me and I'll give you my EXPERT advise.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, ALL!
(This is Ma and Me in 2008...don't judge us, we'll get a better picture this year!)
<3
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