2. A friend and I agreed to split our winnings if we win. That's good karma.
4. I will start college funds for my nephews and God-daughter and to ensure that those little shits make something of their lives, they only way they get to use their college fund is if they get accepted to Yale or Harvard or some shit like that. I'm not paying for them to go to community college and fuck off on my dime. I went to community college and fucked off, so I know. If they don't cooperate with this plan I'll give their college fund to some other little shit that deserves it.
5. I'll open a restaurant that serves my favorite foods and booze and my friends will get to eat there for free. I'll have designated drivers on hand to drive them home in fancy limos in case they get too wankered. P.S these are not my real friends. My real friends are not this slutty. Anymore. ;)
6. I'll go pay a visit to my cousin who is in college in China. Who gets to say they have a relative that goes to college in China?! I do! Because she's way smarter than me and she's cute and she's awesome and it's a good reason to go to China. I also really want to see what hotels in China are like. I don't want to eat any dog, though. I'll bring her lots of American shit so that she doesn't miss home too much. Plus Asian kids are super-cute.
7. I'll take a couple hundred thousand in cash (large bills!) and go to the hood and start handing it out. But to ensure that I don't get robbed and/or shot in the process, I'll need to keep moving. I'm not going to stand on the corner like a human ATM machine, that's how I'll get dead. I'll need to do multiple wardrobe changes, maybe have a few masks and have multiple different cars waiting for me on different blocks so I can escape if people start to bum-rush me. I'll pay my friends to drive my getaway cars and if we all survive, they can keep the car. Because the thought of this guy chasing me down makes me laugh hysterically until I start farting.
8. I will pay off all my own debts and buy myself a modest house in the country so people will leave me the fuck alone. It will also be an Alpaca farm and I will donate my Alpaca wool to people in need. And then I'll donate the rest of it to charities for homeless animals, battered women, kids with cancer and Autism, and Adopt A Donkey. ( www.hobbyfarms.com/livestock-and-pets/adopt-a-donkey ) I don't want fuckers finding my Alpaca farm and banging on my door looking for a hand-out so the best way to keep that from happening is to get rid of it all. I fucking love Alpacas.
9. Joe will probably end up buying every gun in existence along with every hunting/fishing/trapping gadget ever made, along with a few boats, trucks, ATVs, and a bunch of other unnecessary shit that's annoying but fun to have just because. But he won't be able to have fun with anyone else because I'm keeping the location of my Alpaca farm a fucking secret. So if you want to know where our secret farm/artillery bunker/underground house is, just let me know and if you're not an asshole, we'll invite you over for a really kick-ass party. It'll be built into the side of a mountain so that it's indestructible and impossible to find.
But you'll have to sign a form that says you won't tell anyone else where we live, otherwise we get to kill you.10. Most importantly, I made a pact with God that I will not be selfish or greedy with the money and I will only do good things with it. And if I go back on my word, he gets to fuck the rest of my life up. I have one chance to do it right.
Good luck, everyone! :)
P.S. I would also buy this dog that looks like Chewbaca simply because it's awesome.
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