After I left work I went across the street to Trader Joe's, my new guilty pleasure, (aka Bank Account Rapist) because I wanted to get a few bottles of Chuck but felt like an asshole going there for just wine so first I went inside the grocery part and grabbed a few things that I really didn't NEED but it made me feel better. I decided I needed a loaf of bread (because Joe's dog jumped up on the counter on Saturday and ate my ENTIRE BRAND NEW LOAF!) and a carton of baby portabella mushrooms (because I eat them like it's my job and they are only $1.99 for a giant container) and some blue corn chips (because I had some hummus at home that needed chips to go with it) The place was crawling with people doing their Thanksgiving shopping and while I was making my way towards the mushrooms, I observed a middle-aged couple casually (aka slowly) perusing (aka gawking) their way through the produce section and I immediately noticed that the husband was carrying his wife's purse. But he wasn't just holding it at his side; he had it slung over his shoulder and was maneuvering around with it like it was completely natural. I had to stop and gawk myself for about ten seconds, to make sure that I was actually seeing what I thought I was seeing. The wife was rummaging through the cartons of mushrooms and the husband was standing there, purse over shoulder, directing her, "No, not that one. Grab that one on the left, sweetie. Yep that one; you've got it!" Um...hmmm. Please just move the fuck out of the way so I can grab my carton of mushrooms and get away from you as fast as possible. Well, that's nice of him to carry her purse for her. I'm pretty sure if I asked Joe to carry my purse he would break up with me. Promptly. I'm also pretty sure that will be part of our wedding vows some day: "I promise to love you forever but if you ever ask me to carry your purse I will divorce your ass before you know it". Seriously, the husband looked like this tool:
THEN...I was standing in line to pay for my items and I was behind a woman and her two kids, a boy and a girl. The boy was probably about 10 years old or so. His mother had an overflowing cart and her son kept yapping at the cashier, thus slowing down his ringing-up process and pissing me off. I wanted to kick the kid in the back of the knees and tell him to shut the hell up. It was a fleeting thought that soon passed. But the kid kept pointing these really tiny grey guns at the cashier, one in each hand, and shooting them at him. They made a weird laser sound that was surprisingly loud for such a tiny toy. The cashier would stop and chuckle at him each time, thus slowing him down even more. It took everything in me not to snatch those stupid fucking guns out of his hands and stomp the shit out of them. Again, another fleeting thought that came and went. I should have acted on that one because I stood behind them for almost ten painful minutes.
My next stop was the gas station. I'm all about coupons so there was a specific gas station I needed to go to in order to use my gas coupon. I've been going to this particular gas station for years and I have yet to witness any unusual activity there, such as a drug deal, until tonight. I haven't seen a drug deal in like 8 years but I know one when I see one and there was definitely an exchange of money and drugs of some sort. Really?! Drugs. Come on. GROW UP. I don't want to talk about too many details about said drug deal because we all know drug dealers read random blogs (like mine, DUH!) and since I can identify every detail of both vehicles and talk about it, they probably want to kill me and throw my Blarb-ass into the river. I also prayed that they wouldn't follow me back to Lakeville after realizing that I just witnessed their fucking illegal activity because I forgot my numchucks on the counter today. Check out this dog's stupid face:
My third and final stop was Petsmart to get food for Rose after I realized that she was completely out and feeding her lunch meat wasn't an option. I don't usually go to Petsmart but my other option was Petco but that would require me going to Apple Valley, aka ConstructionZoneHellFuckOffNoDamnWayIwouldRatherEatPigShit. Petsmart is right off the freeway so it's more convenient anyway so I went there. I go get Rosie's bag of food and I'm standing in line (it always seems like I'm standing in a fucking line, doesn't it?!) behind a woman buying a trillion things and she has coupons for each and every thing she's buying. Really? This shit is not funny. Plus she brought her own Eco-friendly bags but forgot to tell the cashier about them until everything was in plastic bags, then she remembered her stupid fucking Eco-bags and made the cashier RE-BAG EVERYTHING. Fuck you, lady....seriously, fuck off...is what I'm thinking to myself while maintaining my patience and friendly-as-ever smile on the outside. Inside my head I've already killed this fucking asshole eight different ways. And when she FINALLY finishes getting her shit re-bagged and paid for and she's ready to be shipped out the door, she has the fucking NERVE to ask the cashier to help her carry her four bags out to her car. WUT?! IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?! I'm about to go into a blind rage. Like, right the fuck now.
Now here I sit...in my bed with my dog, laptop, glass of Chuck...happy as a clam. I have faith that tomorrow will be better but I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fucking shit-show that is Black Friday and I'm sure I'll have an even longer and more drawn out rant about THOSE fucking buttholes of the universe.
I'm obsessed with these stupid critters and I LOVE their dumb faces and someday I really hope to have a hobby farm with nothing but Alpaca and Llamas! They are in the same family. I also want some chickens. And a few dogs. Maybe a cat or two. Some turtles. But that's all.
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