We All Have That One Friend...

The one that's just a little bit kooky and the things that come out of his/her mouth make you sometimes question the meaning of life.  Even though you love your friend dearly and would do to ends of the Earth for them, sometimes you wonder how many times they were dropped on their noggin as a child.  It's no longer a question of IF they were dropped, it's how many times and from what height.  And sometimes you keep a running log of some of the off the wall things that they say and those things are just too good to not share.  So let's begin.

"Do you celebrate Jewishness?"

Um, personally, no.  That would require me to be Jewish.  And I'm not sure sure that Jewishness is a word.

"I spent the whole drive to work wondering how long it would take to drive to Hawaii"

I don't really care about the answer to this statement because I will never go to Hawaii because flying over all that open water is just asking for a jet engine to fail and the last thing I want to see as I'm plummeting to my death is some fucking asshole trying to frantically call their wife to say a final good-bye because I would be too scared shitless to get my phone out and do the same because when I'm in a scary situation I tend to freeze up and I know I wouldn't be able to call Joe because I would be frozen in terror while simultaneously shitting my pants and I would have to feel guilt for all of eternity.  Wow, what a run-on sentence that was, eh?

"I miss ex-boyfriends with big wangs"

No comment.

"I didn't know you had to take starology!"

This was in response to when I told her I was taking an ASTRONOMY class.

"Lucy ate out my crotch"

Lucy is her wiener dog.  And she meant the crotch of her underwear.  The dog likes to eat the crotches out of her underwear if she leaves them laying around.  Glad we have that straight now.

"Is England even a country?"

No dear.  It's a planet.

"Are eggs considered dairy?"

I don't know what her thought process was on this one.  I really can't even begin to try to sort it out.

"I never wear a bra but I ALWAYS wear underwear.  My vagina likes to be fresh, that's why I change my underwear three times a day!"

She's not joking, she really does.

"The hallway smells like chocolate sex"

But why???

"I'll tell him I'm not employed at college anymore.  I mean, enrolled."

Telling Dad you dropped out is always the hardest.

"Does your jaw hurt? Because mine does.  If someone asked me to suck their dick right now I would have to say 'No' and that NEVER happens"

I think...nevermind.

"I have short term disability.  I mean memory loss"

Memory loss can be a disability so I see where she was going with that one.

Her:  "Oh my god, why am I like that??  Does that mean I'm gay?  Do I secretly like vagina's?"

Me:  "No I think that means you are just uncomfortable around gay people"

Her:  "Oh thank god, I thought I liked vagina's.  I even Googled it"

She was telling me about how being around gay people  makes her nervous and get sweaty palms but she doesn't know why.

"I want him to lick my lollipop!"

Is there...something I should know about??

"I wonder if babies can give humans pink eye?"

Should I poke you in the eye now? Or later?

"I look like a big fat mistake!"

I almost peed myself when she said this.  It's a personal favorite.

Here's Lucy, the crotch-eating wonder dog: