***Due to the Internet/my computer/fucking technology in general being fucking irritating and stupid, I could only upload ONE lonely pic for this story, which makes me sad-face because pictures really make all the difference. I'll upload when shit figures itself out***
I don't have a lot to complain about, really. I'm just really good at taking something small and insignificant and turning it into something semi-interesting. With a lot of swearing in it. There must always be swears. I know things could be a lot worse and at least I have a home and a job and a car and I'm not dying of cancer or fucking hanta virus. I know this. But that won't stop me from being a creep and talking about my problems.
This is not a Christmas tree. My Christmas tree is at work being put to good use and being enjoyed by people who fucking like Christmas because nobody in my house likes it. THIS is a Charlie Brown tree and while it's cute and makes a good table-top decoration, it's not a real tree. Presents can't and won't fit under this tree. But apparently Taco Bell hot sauce will.
THIS is the sidewalk of death. Why? Because for some reason our townhouse association won't put up rain gutters on the house and during the winter when the snow melts, it forms a giant fucking ice/death 7-foot dagger that drips water onto the sidewalk and then the shit freezes into this fucking mess, which has claimed two victims thus far. The boys salt it when they remember but they are the ones that use the front door and have to walk here, so I really don't care. I use the garage entrance and when people come over I tell them to use the garage as well. I mean, we pay the association $170/month to not plow our street/driveway until they fucking feel like it and wait until the lawn looks like a fucking jungle and my dog is getting lost when she goes out to go potty before they will mow the damn lawn. And if they see one stray turd out there that we forgot to pick up we get a nasty-gram in the mail, threatening that animal control will be watching. (get a life, fucking asshooles) The least they could do is provide us with some fucking gutters, or let us put up our own, hello! But It won't be long before someone bashes their fucking skull open here:
This here is the community bathroom in the house. I painted it myself, by the way. There was originally some gaudy fucking wallpaper with gold bubbles on it that I had to steam and peel off, which by the way was a fucking disastrous experience and I think wallpaper should be banned from Earth. Anyway...see the proximity of the toilet to the window? And see how the window doesn't have any covering on it? That's right...the entire neighborhood (because the window faces a busy road that people walk their dogs on) can watch me make a doo-dee if they want. I have tried everything I can think of to come up with a decent-looking solution to this fucking problem but the window is an odd shape and nothing works. So you know what I do? I go take a shit in there with the lights off, I do:
My little princess fuck-face fur-child keeps shitting on the floor. Every. Damn. Day. I actually came down the stairs to see her squatting at the bottom of the stairs leaving me these treasures, staring at me with her innocent little fucking face, And then I walked around the corner and there was an even bigger log, right in front of the fireplace. Dog for sale:
A sleeping boyfriend is of no use to me. Every damn Friday night when I get off work at 5pm I bust my ass through rush-hour traffic to get home and throw my clothes and Princess Fuck-Face in the car, I usually have to stop at some store or another to pick him up something (toilet paper, dog food) and I roll into Pepin around 8:30-9pm and I run in the house all excited and shit to see my BooBooFartMachine and this is what I see:
Me: Honey I'm here!
No answer.
Me: Honey, wanna do sex?
No answer.
Me: Hey, you want me to make you something to eat?
No answer.
Me: Hey! Fuck-tard!! The house is on fire!
No answer.
Me: Hey!! I'm turning the channel to Jersey Shore!
Joe: Don't you fucking dare. What did you bring me to eat?
ALPACA LOVE!
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