Lately I've come to the realization that I hate being a girl. I fucking despise it. I'm not talking about being sick of bleeding once a month, that's stupid. I have no control over that so I'm not going to bitch about it. What I can't stand is washing and styling my hair, let alone getting it cut and colored. I don't have time for all that. Although I enjoy the end result, the process of putting on makeup pisses me off to no end. No time for it! It's tedious and ridiculous and I wish the shit would apply itself. Without it though, I look like a man. No, I look like my DAD. Shoes and clothes and jewelery and shit like that? No time for it. I hate it, I hate it all. I used to spend HOURS getting ready to go out with the girls. I would spend so much time getting ready that they would tell me to be somewhere an hour before they would show up because they knew I would STILL be an hour late because I was stuck in front of some fucking mirror. I wouldn't DREAM of leaving the house and going into public without full hair and makeup, cute outfit, boobs out. Those days are long gone and now I wake up 15 minutes before I have to be out the door. My routine consists of brushing my teeth in the shower, getting dressed, letting the dog out, grab my lunch and I'm combing my hair out in the car. My hair is air-dried about an hour later and luckily I sit in a room with a bunch of other women and two unfortunate men (poor souls) and I can whip out the flat iron if I want to make myself look a little less homeless. And if I'm feeling REALLY ambitious I might slap on some makeup but that usually only happens not more than once per week. I'm not sure if I'm even a girl anymore. How is it that I have a boyfriend? Is he fucking blind?
I am so sick of people taking me literally that I might literally have to start punching assholes in the face daily. Here's an example of what I conversation you and I might have:
You: I'm bored, what do you wanna do?
Me: Hmmm. Well, we could go blow up a daycare.
You know what?? I have no intention of blowing up a daycare. EVER. Because I like kids and I'M NOT A FUCKING CRIMINAL. Anyone that has known me for any amount of time knows that 99.9% of the shit that comes out of my mouth is either for shock value or is pure sarcasm or a combination of the two. You could replace my response with, "we could go kick some puppies" or "we could go push some old ladies down the stairs" and I can bet you a million dollars and Ryan Gosling's sweet ass that I would NOT do either one of those, nor even come close to thinking about it! I don't know, maybe I've started surrounding myself with a bunch of assholes who don't understand twisted humor. (I just referenced Ryan Gosling's sweet ass, now I know I'm still a girl. Whew!!)
I'm not decorating for Christmas this year because I live with two men who don't give a rats ass about it and Joe doesn't give a shit either, so why should I bother? I have a Charlie Brown tree that I will put in the center of the kitchen table and that's all they get. I brought my Christmas tree and to work today and set it up there because in years past I would set it up at home and plug it in and Scrooge McWong would unplug it because he thinks Christmas lights run up the electricity bill terribly. Why don't you go be an atheist or some other asshole who doesn't enjoy Christmas or spending time with their family or the looks of excitement on the faces of children when they open their presents or candy canes or Christmas cookies or fucking stocking stuffers, because all of those things are my favorite! Who the hell hates Christmas, besides the people whose religions don't allow them to celebrate it? A boring jerk, that's who. I'm bound and determined not to let other people's (not just my brother's, there are many more retarded buttholes in my life who hate Christmas) negative attitudes about Christmas rub off on me, because it's my second-favorite holiday. I also just spent way too much time trying to find another e-card about the holidays to go after this paragraph and I couldn't find an acceptable one that was sarcastic enough for my liking. So fuck it.
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