Mama's Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Douchebags (Or Sluts or Assholes For That Matter)

Overheard in a restaurant:

"She got one more mozzarella stick than I did, that's NOT FAIR!  Can we order more?"

You know what, you whiny little shit?  Life isn't fucking fair, starting with the uneven distribution of appetizers.  Those stupid fried cheese sticks are not cheap and I bet the only reason your parents sprung for them is so you and your sister would shut the hell up for 16 seconds.  Now your creepy little ass is keeping track of how many mozzarella sticks everyone is entitled to and you're probably going to grow up to be a oversensitive sissy similar to this kid I know named Dawson Leery!  Boo fucking hoo, Dawson.  Joey picked Pacey over you and we're all fucking happy with her decision because he's WAY hotter than you and you're just plain fucking annoying.

 

Parents sit in a booth and watch their 2 year-old child run around the McDonald's dining room while I'm trying to eat in peace.

Okay, I'll admit that last night's Micky D's visit was my second of the week and that's generally un-fucking heard of.  I only eat there when I get a wild hair up my ass craving or it's the only restaurant option I have, which are the two reasons I ate there twice this week.  They even put the calories on the big menu for you so you can decide if you want to consume all your daily calories in one fucking meal.  I can guarantee I won't eat there again for like the next 9 months.  Anyway...it was late, like 9pm.  There was a family there with their two kids, one in a car seat in the booth and the other one was tearing around the dining room, screaming and squealing her stupid little head off and her parents just sat in the booth and did nothing because they were BOTH too preoccupied with their phones.  It took everything in me to not stick my leg out and trip the little demon.  It's my opinion that kids shouldn't be out that late on a school night but hey, it's a fucking free country so do what you want, we'll just silently judge you over here.  Also, please have some fucking consideration for the people around you who just want to clog their arteries in semi-silence.  And if my death-stares don't get my point across effectively, then maybe my overly-loud comments about your ANNOYING KID THAT'S RUINING EVERYONE'S DINING EXPERIENCE will do the trick.  (I know I shouldn't actually be pissed at the kid because it's the parents fault for letting them run around like that but if they keep letting the kid do that, it's going to grow up to be a little holy terror that walks all over them and doesn't listen, like the little ginger prick seen below)

 

An acquaintance of mine allows their 15 year old daughter to date a 22 year old MAN.

First of all, I understand the 15 year-old's excitement of an older guy being interested in her.  I would be too.  I was that girl, 17 years ago.  But something is fucking wrong with the ADULT that has an attraction to a CHILD.  Because that's what she is, a child.  I'll even go out on a limb here and call him a child molester.  What the HELL does a 22 year-old have in common with a 15 year-old kid, to the extent that he would want to be in a romantic relationship with her??  NOTHING.  He's mentally disturbed and I don't have to be a fucking doctor to tell you that.  The only thing he's interested in is her underage vajay and if he dares to go near it, I hope she freaks the fuck out and tells her daddy and daddy shows up on the child molester's doorstep and shoves a shotgun in his face and gives him the threat of a lifetime.  Go find someone your own age, you fucking creeper!

 

Cowboys

I'm not sure why Waylon and Willie were trying to convince mamas to not let their babies grow up to be cowboys because what is so wrong with cowboys?  Yeah they wear too-tight jeans but I'm sure they don't get too many complaints from the ladies.  At least they are polite and have fucking manners and take their hat off at the dinner table and open doors and all that fancy shit.  They ride horses and wrangle cow and  are manly and shit.  I'd much rather have my kid grow up to be a cowboy than some whiny sissy-pants man-baby.  Or be pregnant at 16 like those dumb hookers on MTV.  Cowboys can be sexy, too.  Like these fine specimens here:

 

ALPACAS

Kissing Alpacas!  My brain just exploded.