She puts on a clean pair of undies in the morning when she wakes up. Upon returning home from work she changes her clothes and slaps on a fresh pair of undies. And before she goes to bed, she changes them yet again. But she has special undies for sleeping, which are completely different than her undies for daytime. When asking her why she has this obsession with changing her undies multiple times per day, her answer is simple: my vajay doesn't like being dirty. I agree that nobody likes a dirty vajay but to go through all the hassle of changing your undies at least three times per day is mind-boggling to me. I actually carry a spare pair of undies in my purse for emergencies and I'm surprised that she doesn't do the same. My purse-undies are hot pink and say PERFECTION across the ass...random worthless fact about my tacky undies. Perfection?! Oh the irony!!
Summertime is an especially troublesome time of the year for her cleanly vajay efforts because sometimes it gets real hot and humid in good old Minnesota and one would think that they are battling the humid swamps of the Florida Everglades in August. She has been known to change her undies 3-5 times per day during the summer months due to excessive sweating in the crotch/ass area. There is a name for this type of crotch/ass sweating: SwampCrotch. Or SwampAss. Or swass. Or swagina. (one day we spent hours coming up with words to put an 'Sw' in front of...swaint, swalls, switties, you get the retarded idea)
Tomorrow she actually leaves for Texas for a little vaca and was telling me about how she has to make sure to pack enough undies, three for each day and she'll be gone for six days, so that's 18 pair of undies but is going to round it up to 20 for good measure. She's staying with family in Texas and I said, "you know your aunt and uncle most likely have a washing machine, right?" So bringing 20 pairs of drawers isn't really necessary. Cut that in half and you'll still be fine. "My vajay gets angry if it isn't fresh at all times", she says. *sigh* Okay.
I punched "undies" into Google and did an image search and along with a bunch of other disturbing shit I did not need to see, I found this pic and I need to track down this girl. Because she and Blarb must be long-lost undies-obsessed sisters. Fo real.
Now that I've told the world about her vajay I should probably share a story about mine just to make it fair since I just outed her about her underwear obsession. Well, two weekends ago we went out on the boat eagle watching and it was damn cold. I was wearing a pair of Joe's Dickie's bibs and instead of wearing a pair of long underwears and/or a pair of regular pants, I wore my pair of cargo pants. (dumbass!) I didn't realize it would be so chilly out on the boat and I was also sitting at the front of the boat, which is made of steal or some sort of metal that gets cold, and after three hours of sitting on it, guess what was frozen? My vajay. I stood up and made a weird little jiggle and Blarb stood up and did the same little jiggle and we looked at each other and we just knew that our vajays were frozen. Literally. Frozen. She made some overly-descriptive reference about how and why our vajays were frozen and Joe almost fell out of the boat laughing at us. This poor kid, once he thinks he's heard it all we whip out some ridiculous fact about our frozen vajays and I'm so lucky that he's a good sport. The luckiest.
I love Jacob and obviously I love Alpacas so this picture is really fucking up my universe right now.
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