2003: The Year I Peed in My Car

In 2003 I worked at an orthopedic clinic in Plymouth while I was living...somewhere in the south suburbs.  I don't recall if I was living at The Original House of Wong or if I was in an apartment or if I was homeless.  Shit, what was ten years ago, who the hell knows what I was doing.  But I remember peeing in my car.

Plymouth is 30 miles northwest of where I was living and the only road to get there is 494 and that particular year it was under construction.  My 45 minute commute turned into an hour and a half when you factor in the construction.  Then it was winter; bring on the shitty weather and tack on another thirty minutes and you've got a 2-hour commute.  One way.  Needless to say I toughed it out for two years and thanked my lucky stars that I found a new job closer to home.

494 was under construction and was shut down to one lane on each side and most of the exits were blocked off and there were major detours.  It started snowing at about noon one Friday night and it wasn't forecasted to stop until the next day, so when I left at 4pm I was prepared to be driving for the next three hours.  So I'm driving along and realize that I have to pee.  There was only 15 miles on 494 that I needed to drive and then I would hit 35W and it would be smooth sailing from there.  I was getting squirmy and antsy but I knew that I just had to get to 35 and I could find a gas station.  I was seriously driving 5 mph the entire stretch of 494 and of course all of the exits were blocked off so I couldn't even pull off an exit and pee on the side of the road.  There wasn't even a shoulder so there wouldn't be any pulling over anywhere.  Any time.  At all.  EVER.  It got to the point where I had to pee so bad that I was starting to black out and literally see stars.  I started crying.  I've never had to hold my pee to such extremes and I didn't have any choice but to just....let it go.  I peed in my car, in my seat, I just...peed.

Fast forward another hour and guess what? I had to pee again.  Well, I had already peed once and my scrub pants were obviously wet with PEE and even if I did find a gas station I certainly wasn't going to walk in there with my pee-pants for everyone to see...the only place I was going was straight home.  So....I peed again.  Yet another reason why I should have been born a boy with a wiener that I could have just shoved in a Gatorade bottle and peed in, nice and easy!

It took me five hours to get home that night.  I left work at 4pm and finally got home around 9pm.  (Yes, I was living at home with the parents...now I remember!)  I waddled my pee-pants into the house and my dad looked at me funny and my mom said, "What the hell did you do, pee your pants?"  I could only sadly nod my head and walk of shame up the stairs and straight into the shower.  When you pee your pants twice and it's winter, it gets cold sitting there in your pee-pants.  I was freezing and miserable and smelled like pee and that hot shower was the best shower that I have ever taken; still to this day I remember how good it felt.

Moral of the story:  when you have a long commute and it's snowing and the road you are driving on is under major construction, don't forget to go the to the bathroom before you leave!

A heard of Alpacas....this is my dream.