I Woke Up Alive

Every now and then, for no reason at all, I lay in bed at night and am convinced that I'm going to die in my sleep.  So in order to prevent dying in my sleep I will purposely stay awake all night.  Last night was one of those nights.  Why?  I have no fucking clue.

We went to bed around midnight and the boyfriend usually falls asleep before his head hits the pillow and snores like a wildebeest in my ear.  He has an alarm clock that projects the time onto the ceiling so I lay there and painfully watch the hours go by.

1:04am:  I'm hungry.  I'm hot.  I'm cold.  I'm bored.  Vodka. Grilled cheese sandwich.  Ice cream.  Fuck.

1:58am:  I'm still hungry.  Nellie has wedged her fat ass between the two of us and is shoving me out of the bed.  (Nellie is our dog, we do NOT have an open relationship, thank you. She also doesn't know that I call her fat so don't fucking tell her!)  Might as well get up.  Grilled cheese sandwich. Fuck yes.

2:31am:  Made a grilled cheese sandwich, extra cheese shit yeahhh; go back upstairs to find the dog is sprawled out on my side of the bed, her head is on my pillow.  Nellie I love you but get the fuck out.

3:11am:  Really?!  The only infomercial on right now is Sensa Weight Loss?  I just ate a grilled extra-cheese in the middle of the night, I don't need these assholes telling me I'm fat.  Fuck you guys.  Ice cream?  Fuck it, I don't want to walk downstairs again.

3:20am:  Fucking fuck, the sun is about to rise...isn't it?  Feels like it.  We need to have a serious discussion about dogs in the bed.  I can't sleep with her head wedged in my butt-crack.  It's not natural.

4:39am:  Whaaa...what the...FUCK!  What day is it??  I'm LATE FOR WORK!  FUUUUUCK!!!!  (12 seconds later....realize it's Sunday, calm down, wedge myself back into the bed, fall asleep)

6:05am:  Fucker starts tickling my armpit and I wake up in a fucking terror...centipedes!  Spiders??  Maggots!!  STOP TOUCHING MY ARMPIT!!!!  Sleep.

6:07am: Boyfriend: "Let's go check traps!"  Me:  "Go ahead.  Too early.  Fuck off and go away."

8:12am:  **disclaimer, he's been watching the Outdoor Channel for 2 hours, graciously letting me sleep.  But now it's time to check traps, we have bad weather coming in a few hours, my fat ass needs to get out of bed no matter how bad it doesn't fucking want to.  Fucking...ughhh!!!!**


10:03am:  Twinkle-Toes is flying through the woods with a coon in each hand and I'm huffing and puffing behind him like a big fat asshole wishing I was dead and cursing him in under my breath.  Just another day in the life...couldn't love it more! :)

Now it's time for a NAP!