Other People's Lingo

Let's just have ourselves a fucking rampage right now.  It involves the things people say, little sayings that they say over and over again and it makes me want to find a kitten and stomp on it.  Yes, sometimes that's how angry I get, but I have not nor will I ever take it to the point of stomping a kitten because get real, I'm not a fucking heartless fuck.  (Just want to make sure that my sick, sarcastic sense of humor is being taken literally, once again!)  Sometimes I think that I will grow up to be a cranky old fuck like Ouiser Boudreaux.  Actually, I should be so lucky.  ;)

"Hit me up!"  ~  Hit you up?  Does that mean you want me to contact you via phone/text/email/Facebook/Twitter/some other fucking method of communication?  Because you should just say so.  Otherwise when you tell me to "hit you up" I assume you mean that you desire a swift uppercut to your face/balls/taint.  Too much?  I don't think so.

"What up, bra?" ~ I know that "bra" is idiot-speak for "bro" and some morons decided it was acceptable to address people as a piece of women's undergarments, but it makes you sound like an ignorant fucking tool when you call someone a piece of underwear.  Sometimes I"m guilty of saying, "what up, braaaaaa" (also, at the top of my lungs) but that's only when I am belligerently drunk and it's naturally my duty to be annoying as fuck.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is that YOU saying this phrase is the equivalent of me being a drunk fucking idiot.  Don't go there.

"I was literally _____ (insert action verb here)"  Oh yeah?  Let me explain to ya'll how to use the term "literal" in a proper sentence because I am the fucking grammar and spelling (but not so much punctuation) police in these parts.  Literally!  :)  So when you say that something is literal, you are explaining it exactly how it happened.  If you say, "It was so funny, I literally pissed myself laughing" then what you are implying is that a large urine stain formed on the crotch of your pants because you LITERALLY pissed yourself from the fucking humor.  Please go back and form you sentence again before you sound like a douche-lord.

Anything squealed at a higher pitch than regular female speaking is LITERALLY not acceptable unless you are at a sporting event, concert, being raped and/or murdered.  In other words, shut the fuck up at all times.

Do you like Nickelback?  Hinder?  Limp Bizkit??  Black Eyed Peas?!?  Fucking ICP?!  Get the fuck out of my life.  And I mean that in the most literal sense possible.  Buh-bye.

Miss Ouiser taught me well ;)  Literally?  No.  Not so much.  But that doesn't mean that I can't aspire to be like her cranky old ass in about 35 years.