Of course I can't remember the fucking year but it must have been around 2005 because I was still dating Tom and he would drag me all over downtown Minneapolis on school nights and keep me out too late and he would drink too much and I'd have to drive his drunk ass to Taco Bell afterwards. Doesn't that sound like fun? One night we were at a Kage concert (that's Kage with a "K") at some dive bar downtown and we got there early to find a place to stand because there wasn't tables/chairs/benches/bar stools in this gem of a fucking shithole. Can we just go back to the suburbs, please? We were just standing around waiting for the show to start when Tom punched me in the arm and said, "Hey, look who's over there. It your boyfriend Sean". I was confused by what the fuck he was talking about because my boyfriend's name was Tom and he happened to be Tom so what the fuck is going on? I looked in the direction that he was looking and my heart sank into by butthole and I almost passed out. There he was. Of my fucking Chris-on-a-cracker we were in the same room breathing the same fucking air. He kinda had a look on his face like this:
I wanted to die. I think I did die. I died while standing up but somehow managed to not fall down. Tom asks, "Want to meet him?" I looked at him with absolute terror but said yes. He turned to walk towards Sean and I grabbed him by the hood on his sweatshirt and yanked him backwards, "Are you fucking crazy? I can't meet him, I will fucking pass out, I can't, I cannot, NO! Don't you fucking dare! NOOOO!!!" But he wiggled out of my grasp and walked up to Sean, they did some kind of secret handshake and Tom motioned me to come over, except I couldn't fucking move and if I was going anywhere it was straight to the bathroom to vomit. I don't know how I put one foot in front of the other but I did and walked up to them. Sean was extremely tall; taller than I had expected. (about 6'3", seemed to thrive on his misery) Tom said, "Yo, she didn't want to meet you, she was scared." I just gave them a weak smile and stared at my feet. RUN NOW is all I could think of. Sean said, "Wow, really? Well I wanted to meet you so I'm glad your homeboy came up. I'm Sean, nice to meet you" and stuck out his hand. I shook his hand. RUN. "I'm Brianne." Sean asked, "Are you guys ready for this show?" He and Tom bullshitted for a few more minutes and I just stood there like a love-struck fat asshole, staring at him all retarded. But I couldn't help myself. He's so fucking hot!!
He probably thought I was a fucking creep. Well, sometimes I am.
There came some awkward silence and Sean reached in his coat pocket and took out a bag of Ricolas. He offered me one. I took it. But I didn't eat it. I thanked him and put it in my pocket. He said, "Enjoy the show. And you...smile", and pointed at me. He walked away. I remember thinking "Wow, what a really nice guy". After Sean was out of out sight I beat the shit out of Tom with my fists for making me almost shit myself in front of my most favorite person in the entire world and he just laughed at me. I ran outside the bar and called Randi and half screamed, half cried that I had just met Sean and he shook my hand and talked to me and gave me a fucking Ricola but I didn't eat it and it's in my pocket and I'll show it to her the next time I see her!!!!!!
I took the Ricola to work and tacked it up my cubicle so I could look at it every day, because I'm a creep and that's what the fuck creeps do. It stayed there and moved desks with me about 8 times. Finally about three years later it got lost or thrown away by someone who thought it was just an old crusty cough drop.
What the flying-fuck is wrong with me? I almost forgot Alpacas!!
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