I Don't Even Know What To Call It...

All of the names and identifying characteristics of this here blog have been changed and/or left out all together so as to not upset those that were a part of it.  Not that they even read this bullshit but you never know.  People get all pissy about telling stories about the past but I just don't fucking care.  Stories are experiences that we went through that shaped us into the wonderful mutherfuckers that we are today, am I right or am I right?!  Plus it wasn't my idea to write this shit but I ran out of ideas and if someone wants to shit a brick about it they can talk to Frankenstein.  It was her idea.  Keep in mind that I was still like, 100% City Slicker at the time of this adventure.  So here we go...

One time I dated this guy and he invited me to Easter with his sister's family.  I was excited to go meet his family because I had never met any of them or actually heard him speak of any family.  I didn't even know he had said family!  On the way there he warned me, "You're probably going to have a lot of questions but save them for when we leave".  Well that scared the crap out of me right then and there and I wanted him to turn this shit around and go home.  But we proceeded.

Shitless, actually.

We were driving on a dirt road that was like 5 feet wide on the side of a fucking mountain and if you met any oncoming traffic you were both fucked.  We finally get there and it's a trailer in the middle of fucking nowhere.  You know, like a trailer that belongs in a trailer park only it was in the middle of...fucking nowhere!  Sweet.  So we walk into the house and are greeted by two lovely little girls who were overly excited to see their uncle and curious as to who this stranger was that he brought with him.  We did introductions and the 5 year-old, we'll call her Shoes (also because I don't remember her actual name) immediately wanted to take me out to the back yard to jump on the trampoline.  As she is dragging me out back my the hand she hollers to her sister whose already jumping on the trampoline with the neighbor kid, "Hey you guys!  This girl is old...and fat!"  Her sister stops jumping and her eyes bug out of her head.  "Shoes you can't say that, it's not polite!"  But she tell them again, "You heard me!  This girl is old...and FAT!"  So I said, "Don't worry she's right!  I'm just old and fat!"  We get to the edge of the tramp and the older sister, Shirt, tells me to take my shoes off.  As I'm kicking them off I happen to glance into the wire cage sitting six inches to my left and inside is the pet rabbit...laying dead with no eyeballs.  Well, that's pleasant!

So I Googled "old and fat" and this is what I got, LMAO!

Shoes got bored with the trampoline jumping and dragged me over to the swing set for some swinging fun.  She ordered me to use her sister's swing because it was bigger and I had a big butt.  *Sigh*  Well...she was right.  As we were swinging I got a whiff of something nasty, something that smelled rotten.  I was looking around to try to determine the source of the stench when all of the sudden I see a deer head and hide laid out on the slide about three feet away from me.  (Turns out their dad was a taxidermist)  Awesome!!

Shoes gets tired of swinging and wants to draw with her new sidewalk chalk.  Except there are no sidewalks here in the middle of nowhere, I think to myself.  She invites me up onto the deck and shows me how to draw on the wood with the chalk and it actually works just as well as drawing on a sidewalk would.  Cool.  So we're drawing away and I see her little sister, Pants, trying to shimmy her little tiny half-naked body under the deck we are sitting on.  She's going after the baby kitties under the deck, I am informed.  (Except they don't call Pants by her real name, they call her Karl)  So we are running back and forth all over the deck drawing and playing and having a wonderful time when all of the sudden...the fucking deck collapses about three feet.  OH MY FUCKING GOD, KARL/PANTS IS UNDER THE DECK LOOKING FOR KITTENS AND NOW IT HAS COLLAPSED ON HER!!!  I run to the edge of the deck and see Karl/Pants sitting in the dirt with four dirty white kittens in her lap, looking perplexed.  Oh thank GOD she wasn't under the deck when it came crashing down!  All of the adults come running a do a head count and realize that all kids are accounted for.  The little neighbor kid, Cars, who was on the trampoline with Shirt when they heard the crash and came running.  Cars tells me, with the most sincerity I'm sure an eight year old could manage, "It's okay, don't worry about that deck.  It was old and broken and needed to be fixed anyway.  It wasn't because of your weight".  By now I'm thinking to myself, have these kids never seen a fat person before?!  (I was about 40 pounds lighter back then...I wasn't all that big)  Thank you, Cars, but....fuck you.

The rest of the evening went smoothly, no more fat comments or breaking shit.  We ate Easter dinner, watched a movie, and left.

We are pulling away and he says, "So...do you have any questions?"

I had millions.  Trillions!  But the question that pressed me the most was, "Why do they call Pants, Karl?  She's a girl!"  He explains that after three girls (Shirt, Shoes, and Pants) in a row, their dad figured he would never get a son so he started referring to Pants as Karl.  But then his wife got pregnant and he finally got his son.  But they still refer to Pants as Karl.  It just sort of stuck with her.  And then we broke up two months later.

I couldn't have made that shit up if I tried, what a clusterfuck of a day!

Well instead of an Alpaca here's a random creepy ass kid!

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