How To Make a Long Distance Relationship Not Suck

I've been doing this gig for three and a half years now so I consider myself to be somewhat of a expert in the field and qualified to inform you all how to make the shitty idea of a long distance relationship less shitty.  It's really not as bad as one would think.

It's okay Dawson...stop making that ugly crying face for fuck's sake!

#1. Location

My long distance relationship spans 70 miles one way (or an hour and a half if you're Minnesotan and describe distance as length of time rather than miles.  We're silly) which is a cake walk compared to those fools that live on different coasts in different time zones.  An hour and a half isn't terrible when I have to go back on Monday after work because I've forgotten my purse, wallet, dog, or all three.  Which has actually happened more than once.  I recommend setting aside a few hundred bucks a month for gas or plane tickets to go see your honey as often as possible.  I know that seems like a lot but the alternative is just seeing them once a month (or less?!) and if that's the case you might as well not even bother being in a relationship.  LDR's are about making it work because it's worth it and you want to make it work.  Play hooky from work.  Go there for reasons that seem shit-tastic, such as their niece's first horse riding competition.  Why?! Just because you CAN and you WANT to do it.  And that's what it's all about at the end of the day anyway.

Aww, isn't that fuckin cute.  Barf!

#2.  Talk Every Day

That means actually punching the numbers on your phone and using your voice to communicate back and forth, a concept lost on a majority of the world with the invention of text messaging.  Shocking!!  No matter what I am doing or where I am, I will step aside to call to say goodnight, every single night.  I might catch shit from my girlfriends if I have to go hide in the bathroom stall at the bar to make a 3 minute phone call but they're assholes.  :)  It's important, it's necessary, and it's key to making yourselves feel close when you're 70 miles away.

#3. Share Your Life

This kind of falls into line with #2 because when you are talking every day you are most likely talking about what happened during your day.  Or you could be sitting there in silence watching the same TV show while on the phone but hey...at least you're doing it together!  Share your life means that you should send each other pictures of what you're eating for lunch, a giant bird shit on your car window, your daily catch/kill during fishing/hunting season, a view from the top of a giant bluff that you just hiked up, a gross bug because you know it makes the other person freak out, a perfect sunset.  If  you were in a short distance relationship you might be sharing those life experiences together but since you're not, it's important to capture them and share them.  All the time.  Daily.

He sends me pics of what he's doing...

And I'm like, "dude you gotta try these awesome chips..."

#4.  Sexy Time

I'm not going to be graphic or go into gory details because you all know what the fuck I'm talking about.  Don't be stingy with it.  Have fun.  If you're not laughing your nekid ass off in the sack, you're doing it wrong!

#5. Don't Listen To The Naysayers

Whether it is family, friends, or complete strangers, someone is always going to want to insert their two cents.  You can either pretend to listen and let it go in one ear and out the other...or you can let other people's opinions weigh on what is ultimately none of their damn business.  I would suggest the former.  Don't let anyone try to convince you that what you are doing is pointless/stupid/a waste of time/boring/whateverthefuck adjective they want to use to describe what is ultimately YOUR life and YOUR choice.  LDR's aren't easy but they are worth it.

In case you get discouraged, just remember that Bill Murray thinks You're Awesome!

#6.  Relax and Enjoy Your Time Together

Just because you only see each other on the weekends doesn't mean that time needs to be jam-packed with bullshit that can ultimately stress you out.  Going to visit these friends and hanging out with those relatives and going to this new restaurant can wait.  If you want to lounge around in your PJ's and watch football and eat junky food on Sunday, then go right the fuck ahead!  I think the funnest and most memorable times my sweetie and I have had is when we didn't have anything do and end up doing random fun shit that made no sense.

#7. Have a Common Goal

Relationships end in one of two possible ways: break-up or marriage.  Try not to break up.  That's all the advise I have to give on that subject.  And don't end up like these two:

Oh just look at happy this little guy is in the sun!