After my last relationship ended and before I started dating Joe, I was single for 9 months and decided to sign up for Match.com. Ewwww, online dating, how desperate do you have to be?! Yeah yeah, the stigma that goes along with it is annoying but how the hell else was I going to meet someone when I worked two jobs and went to school? At Babes?! No thank you. Match was cheap enough and I figured there would be more decent people on there instead of those free sites, which are just crawling with trolls looking for booty. Well...I was wrong.
I was talking to some guy for about a week and he seemed nice enough. I seriously don't even remember his name, lets call him DAVE. Dave called me on a Sunday night when I had just arrived home from the lake, at about 8pm. He wanted to know if I was up for watching a movie together. Keep in mind, we had only been talking on the phone for a week and had never met at this point. But he lived in fucking Anoka which is almost an hour drive to my place. So he wouldn't get to my house until 9pm and then we're supposed to watch a movie which means I wouldn't get to bed until like midnight and I had to work in the morning. Ughh. Dave didn't understand this concept because he worked overnights at a gas station so he was a night owl anyway. He also played "professional poker online" and lived in his mother's basement. Whatever, I wasn't going to judge. I really didn't want Dave to come over so I told him, "It's late, I just got home from the lake and I haven't showered all weekend, I'm gross and stinky and tired". A regular person would be like, okay maybe another time. No, not Dave. He insisted on coming over so I said fine. Great.
Dave gets to my house and lets just say he didn't match the picture he sent me, a picture in which he weighed about 100 pounds less. Whatever, I'm fat too. I tell him to pick whatever movie he wants and he picked some weird one of my brother's that I don't recall the title of either. We put the movie on and about ten minutes into it we both decided it was really stupid and didn't want to watch it. I turned it off and he picked another movie, Alpha Dog. Justin Timberlake, ooohh that made me happy! So we're sitting there and it's not even ten minutes into the movie and he puts his arm around me. Gross. Luckily we have a theater-style couch and there was a giant arm rest between us so he couldn't get as close to me as he wanted to. But he kept trying, inching closer and closer to me. All of the sudden he grabs my boob with the other hand and I about jump out of my seat. What the hell! I exclaimed. Sorry, he says. I am about three seconds away from telling him that it's just not going to work out and he needs to leave and all of the sudden he stands up. Oh good, he's getting the hint and leaving, I think to myself. But to my fucking horror he takes his shirt off. What? Then he takes his shorts off and his boxers off and throws them on the floor next to his shirt. I'm sitting there in utter fucking shock, not believing that a total fucking stranger is getting buck-ass naked in my living room. I had no words, I was in complete disbelief at what I was seeing. He's standing there, in his socks. And nothing else. My fucking jaw had to be on the floor I'm sure. My brother worked nights and wasn't home, otherwise I would have been screaming at the top of my lungs for him. And our other roomie wasn't home either; I lived with two cops and neither of them were home to save me from the fat naked creeper in my living room. At the time we also didn't have any window treatments on our living room windows and our house is on the corner of a busy intersection. So every car that drove by could see this fucking naked douche standing in my living room.
And then he says, "So...are we gonna do this?" I look at him and say, "Do what?!" And he says, "You know...have sex". My eyes about bugged out of my head and I went from zero to psychotic killer bitch in seconds and screamed, "NO!!!!!" He stood there for a few seconds, like he didn't understand what the fuck I just said. "Put your fucking clothes on, you need to go. Right now!" He stumbled around, visibly embarrassed and picked up his clothes and walked to the bathroom to put them on. He took what seemed like for fucking ever and when he came out I handed him his shoes and car keys and was holding the front door open for him. "Can I at least put my shoes on?" he asks. "GET. THE FUCK. OUTOFMYHOUSE!!!!!" was my answer. He lowers his head in shame and walks out the door, stops right before the steps and turns around. "It was nice meeting you, Brianna". And I scream, "MY FUCKING NAME IS NOT BRIANNA!!!!!!!" And slammed the door.
And then I disabled my Match.com account and that was the end of that bullshit. Joe and I started dating about six months later and the rest is fucking history. It figures that I was trying to pay to meet someone but then ended up with someone that had been around for so many years and all of the sudden, our timing was perfect. :)
Too bad I didn't have this guy around to help me kick that douchlord out:
If you like reading this shit and want to read more shit like it, click on this shit:
This is a horror story of the highest degree. Could we use the "so...are we gonna do this?" for the art and recap the story for a blogpost? I will totally link back to this in it if it's okay!
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