Naked and Afraid?!

This show...you've got to be fucking kidding me.  What in the honest fuckhouse will they think of next?!  I bought a bottle of wine so I could bear to watch this bullshit just once...so I could come here and make fun of it all I want.  SHIT.

**DISCLAIMER:  At first I thought I thought the show was called Naked and Alone...so I typed that into Google search in hopes of finding some pics from the show....UMMmmmm....regret.**

This show began a few weeks ago but I think they have different people on it each week.  Or every few weeks.  The reason I think this is because on tonight's show the two people were meeting each other for the first time.  And they are buck-ass naked.  NNNnnnnaaaakkkkkiiidddddd!!  AS FUCK.

Tonight we have Puma and Julie.  Yeah, some douchelord went and named their kid Puma.  I don't have my glasses on tonight but I think they are in their mid to late 30's.  They walk up to each other in the middle of the fucking jungle, naked, and meet for the first time.  Puma is in pretty decent shape and muscular...not a bad piece of eye candy.  Julie, on the other hand, is what we like to call a Blarb.  She's got some meat on her.  If she has no shame being nekid in front of a camera with her boobs and vajay blurred out, more power to her.  I can't even walk past the mirror on the way to the shower nekid without giving myself a dirty look.  Upon meeting Puma for the first time she says, "he's really attractive, I like his long hair!".  And Puma says, "She's tall.  The taller you are the more resources you use up".  That was Puma's way of saying, "Damn this bitch is fat and she's gonna want to eat up all the rations and all the critters I kill...I'm as good as fucking dead".  She teaches survival classes for a living so you think she would think this thing would be a cake-walk for her.  It's not.  She's whining and complaining before the end of the first night.  She is snuggled up to Puma while they sleep, as we can see thanks to the crew's black lights, and he's probably planning how he's going to hang himself without a rope first thing in the fucking morning.

Puma gets sick on day 2.  I mean, he can't build a fire to save his live, let alone in order to boil water to purify it...but he goes off and drinks water from a pond and doesn't tell her about it.  Puma, you're a fucking dickhead.  At least homegirl knows better than to drink stagnant water, I hope you shit your non-existent pants bro!

"After all our time together (36 hours) our relationship is blossoming!"  Yeah, ok, ya'll are naked together, watching each other bend WAAAAY the fuck over all day long, of course you are about to bang each other when the cameras stop rolling!

"People die, I don't want to be one of them"...shut the fuck up Puma, Discovery Channel isn't going to let you fucking die.

Have the medics come in, take your temp, your pulse...Oooohh he might have typhoid or  malaria.  You know what?!  He drank stagnant, nasty water without boiling it first!  He has a 105 degree fever?  Is he shitting himself yet?!  Julie is crying. Fuck.  This. SHOW!!  How did he get sick, they wonder?!  He's sick from the water and I could tell you that from my kitchen table in Lakeville, MN!

Puma has to go to the hospital and Julie is left to her own nekid devices...will she survive? I can guarantee it.  Stupid fucking reality TV.

If I was in the jungle all I know is that I'd be like:

Byeeeeeee!