Facebook, I Love/Hate You

What the fuck did we do before Facebook was invented?!  Actually talk to people in person and pass notes back and forth and meet for coffee to catch up?!  Now you can do all this shit from the comfort of wherever the hell you want??  Don't get me wrong, I'm a FB junkie just like the rest.  A shitty relative of mine once said, "All you do is put your life on Facebook".  You know what, shitty relative?  So fucking what.  You know that thing called being an adult and doing whatever the fuck I want?  I do that.  All the time.  Maybe you shouldn't be such a judgmental prick-ass and if you don't like seeing my life story all over Facebook, kindly un-fucking-friend me.  No skin off my back.  Anyway...now I'm getting off topic.

Here are just a few reasons why I have a love/hate relationship with this stupid thing.  I hate it so much sometimes but I can't stay away.  But again...we're all adults and we can post whatever the hell we want to.  Just know that I'm judging you and/or laughing at your expense like the giant asshole that I am over here on the other side of my computer screen.  Shamelessly.

Sympathy Status Updates:

The really really REALLY vague ones:  "I'm sad" or "This really sucks" or the best one is, "I just don't know what to do!"  If you are sad, if something sucks or you just don't know what to do and you need some advise, SPEAK THE FUCK UP AND ASK FOR IT LIKE AN ADULT.  Be specific.  Use your words. I am not a psychic and I don't have time to play your guessing game.  Tell the world what is up your ass and what you want us to do about it, for cripes sake!
Here's my best answer to those piece of shit status updates:

Selfie Pictures:

Every damn day?  For real?!  The same picture of your face with a slight variation of whore-face and and a different outfit?  You just posted one yesterday, do you think we've forgotten what you look like?  (Sometimes I wish that was the case)

Just to show you how easy one can get addicted to snapping pictures of themselves because they are vain jerkoffs, here's a whole collage of me doing just that:

Ain't no shame in my game; I once was a douche-canoe too.  Keep in mind all these pictures are from years ago.  You won't find my face within 50 miles of a camera these days unless being forced into it during a family holiday.  Because fat.  And most importantly, everyone knows what you look like, why do you have to subject them to ANOTHER annoying daily reminder?  Stop it!!

Complaining About People That Complain:

This one is for a friend.  She hates this one.  

Example:  "Dang it's sooooo cold outside!"  And then someone else says:  "You live in Minnesota, quit complaining or leave!"

So by complaining about the original complaint you are being just as equally annoying.  So then she's like:

Competitiveness Among Parents: 

The is another example from a friend; I would have never thought of it because I don't have kids.  Breastfeeding versus not.  Home school versus public school; and public school versus private school.  Again, what the fuck do I know about this topic?  Nothing, that's what.  All I know is that it's not fair or right to judge one parenting style over another, unless one particular style is turning the kid into a Wad-O-Douche/serial killer/overall menace to society.  But at the same time, kids are douche-bags sometimes because they're just kids and that's the way they are.  Mommy Shamming is rude. Just don't do it.  Your kid ain't perfect...I can tell by the way it walks all over you and throws its iPad on the floor and will only eat noodles and peanut butter.  You raise your kid the way you want to raise it and I'll sleep in and enjoy myself for the time being.  And if your kid turns out to be a prick, then I guess we won't be having and play dates in the future, now will we?

I really don't think that made sense what-so-ever but...whatever.

People That Start Sentences With The Following:

Basically; Pretty Much; The Truth Is; So Anyways....the list goes on.

  It's just filler. It's word vomit, my friend.  Fucking stop it already.  I have better things to do that read this horseshit.  Like eat bagels.

DRAMA!!!!!!

I admit, I'm guilty of participating at times because sometimes I find it hard to keep my asshole comments to myself.  The drama I'm talking about is usually relationship drama between jaded lovers/ex-lovers who feel the need to air out their dirty laundry on The Facebook.  It's only mildly entertaining for about 5.6 seconds before I want to slam my laptop or phone against the wall and scream at the top of my lungs.  This is why Mark Zuckerberg created the Unfollow button which is my most favorite Facebook feature to date.  I'm going to start referring to these drama queen violators as "Taylor's".  As in, "stop being such a fucking Taylor!"  Because ain't nobody got more drama than that girl!

Now go back and count how many times I was a hypocrite and did some or all of the things that I said that I hate.  Probably a few.  I really try not to and if I do...well shit.  I'm a hypocritical asshole and I'll right my wrongs by the grace of Mr Luke Bryan shakin that country ass for all the ladies!

And of course...THIS: