Feces On Your Toothbrush, Ball Sweat On Your Face, And Other Things That Are F-ing Annoying!

You MUST keep your toothbrush in a drawer or cabinet or you will get fecal particles on it when the toilet is flushed.  I watched it on Myth Busters and almost died.  There's fucking poop on your toothbrush, yo.  And then you put that SHIT in your mouth?!  Put that toothbrush away, do not let it linger on your bathroom vanity!  If I come over to your house and use your bathroom, I will immediately become the fucking Toothbrush Police and I will put your toothbrush where poop particles can't get to it, so just calm the fuck down and open up a drawer until you find it.  I'm just looking out for your best interest, my friend.

RUNNNN!

Also on Myth Busters, they say that you need to wash your shower towel after every use otherwise bacteria will start to grow on it.  I say, fuck that.  I don't have time to be doing a bajillion loads of towels all weekend long, so I will use the same towel for about 2-3 showers.  When  you hang your damn towel up after your shower it will dry out and not produce bacteria as it would if you threw it on the floor in a damp ball.  Also...if you share a bathroom with someone of the opposite sex, make sure you know which towel belongs to whom, thus reducing the risk of grabbing the wrong towel and wiping your partner's ball sweat all over your body.  Or even worse, your face.  This event becomes even more horrifying when you share a bathroom with your brother and you grab HIS shower towel and it's HIS nut-sack stank on your freshly showered bod.  Give me a fucking puke bucket, someone!  QUICK!!

Conundrum

I love kids.  They are so damn cute.  But in an instant they can go from cheek-pinching adorable to I'm going to fucking choke you if you don't knock your obnoxious shit off.  Since I don't have kids of my own, these feelings I feel are towards other people's children when they are misbehaving in public.  I've been around plenty of kids long enough to know that kids are just like tiny drunk people and they can be annoying and loud and that's just how kids are sometimes.  I get it.  But there's a difference between kids being kids and kids being fucking satanic.  And the latter has to do with their dumb ass parents not taking control of their kids and letting them do whatever the fuck they want.  In public.  In the waiting area of my doctor's office.  If you are the parent of a loud and fucking obnoxious Satanic Child, just know this:  I fucking hate you and if you do not get that child under control I have an entire drawer full of candy and I will slip them some when you aren't looking so that your Satanic child has a sugar rage all over your damn vehicle on your drive home.  Your welcome.

This kid...is a fucking asshole.

If you don't like tacos, I don't trust you.  Do you hate food?!  If you choose not to participate in a taco potluck, then you might as well just take a fucking hike, my friend.

Please tell me how people get into car accidents during rush hour traffic on the freeway when the max speed is 12mph.  Every. Damn. Day.  You twats are turning my 20 minute commute to work into an hour and a half of fucking madness.  How the hell do you manage to bang into each other when you are going so SLOOOOOW and then every state trooper has to come to the rescue and clog up traffic for the rest of us poor fucks just trying to get to hell.  I mean, to work.

Learn to drive

I need the pregnant women in the office to give birth already so I can be done listening to conversations about doctor visits, diaper warmers, nursery schemes, $60 swaddling blankets and other shit.  Congratulates on creating a human...let's get on with it.

 

Alpaca on the left, llama on the right.  Learn the difference.  Llamas look shifty and mean.  Alpacas look like love.

Holy crap, I said fuck a lot during this blog. I must be in a mood.