Calm Yo Tits, Girl!

I'm home sick today with some sort of flu/cold/miserable mutherfucking bullshit.  I have about 5 half-finished blogs and I'm chock-full of cold meds and ready to let the shit fly!  I've also been on a roll with the Brittany Murphy GIF's today and this is one of the best ones so far:

The blog is full of em! I love her!

A few days ago on my personal Facebook page I posted a status that said, "If you take your kids to see Santa please only post pics of them screaming in terror. Those are the ones people really want to see".  Twenty-eight people with a sense of humor liked it, a few friends said, "Did you see my kid?!"  and we all had a laugh.  My nephews are old enough not to be freaked out by Santa anymore and my niece is only a month old and doesn't care about anything but eating and shitting so I don't get to have any fun of my own in regards to scaring the shit out of kids with Santa.  But there was one particularly butt-hurt individual that sent me a private message that said something to the effect of, "How dare you get pleasure out of seeing innocent kids who don't know any better in a state of terror?!  Easy for you to say since you don't have any kids of your own and if and when you finally do, I will feel sorry for them!"

Bitch, you just messed with the wrong bitch.  

You were a wench in high school and I see you are still the same stuck-up, humorless asshole as an adult.  Let's get a few things straight because obviously your arrogant ass can't distinguish between sarcasm and reality.

I'm not in the business of terrorizing kids.  I may not have any kids of my own (YET!) but as you can plainly see, if you paid attention to my news feed, that I adore the ever-loving shit out of my sister's kids.  And my friend's kids.  And all kids in general!  (Unless they are screaming brats at the restaurant where I'm trying to get my fat on, then I want to punch them. Sarcasm!! There it is again!! Shit.)  Nor do I find "pleasure" in seeing kids get scarred.  That's a creepy fucking thing to say.  To anyone.  Pleasure?!  No.  What I was simply saying is that kids smiling all nice with Santa is nice to see.

This is great:

I have no idea who these people are, I stole their pic from Google Images.

But this shit is fucking awesome:

If you can't find at least a tiny shred of humor in that (not PLEASURE, but HUMOR) then you need to get out more.  Or you need to drink more. Or maybe you need to get laid more.  Maybe you need to drink and get laid more and then you wouldn't be such an uptight douchelord.  MAYBE you spend too much damn time with your tiny little beasts and if you got out more you would realize that there's a tad bit more to life than organic baby food and cloth diapers, for fuck's sake.  We all grew up wearing Pampers and eating Gerber and we're just fine!  (most of us)'

Maybe you need a little bit of this:

Have you ever heard of Krampus??  The horned beast-like creature from Alpine folklore that they use instead of Santa?  He rewards good children with gifts and the naughty ones he kidnaps and fucking EATS THEM.  Basically young men dress up as Krampus in Austria, Croatia, Hungary, Slovania, etc and go out in the streets and rattle chains and bells and scare the shit out of kids.  (My brother would be totally down for this gig, he LOVES terrorizing kids!)

 Here's your demonic Santa and all I can say is that you're lucky you don't live in Austria.

Holy Shit!

Here's Krampus, having a little Kiddo-Snack!

At least all you have to deal with is that jolly fucker in the red suit instead of the child-eating demon!  So before you think that laughing at a couple pictures of kids being scared of Santa is mean, at least your kids aren't being subjected to Krampus, okay?!  In the words of the late and great Brittany Murphy:

Why can't she still be alive?!  I adored her!

And finally, I just have to say that when I finally do have kids, mine are going to be ten times more awesome than yours because they won't have grown up sheltered and veiled.  While your kids are playing with their iPads and cell phones and all pale, my kids will be playing with this thing called THE OUTSIDE.  I don't need you to feel sorry for my (non-existent) kids.  I just need you to cease being a twat to everyone for no good reason.

But hey! I don't have kids but I have dogs!  Not the same, you say?! I beg to differ.  They need to be watered and fed and interacted with, taught right from wrong, rules and how to follow them.  The only thing different is that I get to lock mine in a kennel for 8 hours a day and nobody is going to call Child Protection on me. 

Oh and one more thing:

Thanks for Playing.