I Wrote My Own Obituary

Here Lies Blarb:

A shot of tequila followed by a shot of Frank's Red Hot Sauce!  Not as bad as you would think despite my face.  This was back in the day when I was young enough and dumb enough to do such bullshit.  Actually it was  only 3 years ago.  I think the shot was called A FLAMING FUCKING ASSHOLE because that's what I had about 20 minutes later.  FUCK.

She drank too much wine, swore too much, and loved everyone and everything in her life fiercely.

She unnecessarily obsessed over stupid shit all the time like Alpacas, Jersey Shore, and carbs. In that order:

O My Fucking God I Just Died From The Fucking Cuteness!!!!

Pauly just made my fucking day...

Her favorite color was red as was her favorite wine.

She always wanted a tattoo but was afraid of the pain; she was a fucking crybaby. 

She loved all animals, except for goats.  They have shifty and judgmental eyes.

Fuck off you bastard!

She hated math, centipedes, and cleaning bathrooms.

She was shy but mouthy; kind yet sometimes an asshole; sweet yet salty.

She had always wanted a boob job.

Need boobs like these.  

She never understood politics.

She loved old reruns of Saved By The Bell.

She was a coupon-clipping lunatic.

She was a night owl.

One time she cried when she ran over a turtle on the road. Do you know what sound a turtle makes when you crush it under your car tires?!  She hopes you never have to hear it.  Because it sounds like tragedy and sadness.

She loved a good thunderstorm but was always still a little bit afraid of the dark.  Actually she was a GD scardy-cat.  

This is what she looked like when she saw a giant bug.

She loved this kid the most; she spent the rest of her life with him.  She was a better person simply because of him.  He had her heart forever.

She had four kids; Jen, Dawson, Pacey and Joey.  Yes, she named them after the turds on Dawson's Creek.  They are probably assholes just like their mother.

Suckas!!

But most of all she tried to be a good person.  She lived and loved and did the best she could.  Sometimes she was a jerkoff but that's to be expected.  We aren't all GD perfect.  She treasured her family and friends the most, they were the reason she kept waking up each and every morning.  She'll see ya'll on the other side. XOXO

Sir you need a muthafukin haircut.

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Meow