houseofwong: I Wish I Could Love The State Fair

The Great Minnesota Get-Together starts this week, on my birthday to be exact. I went a few times as a kid but I haven't been there as an adult in I don't even know how long. The thought stepping foot inside the fairgrounds makes me want to poop my pants. For a bajillion irrational reasons.

This looks like medium fun. I might have to go back ONE TIME before I fucking die.

Obviously I get super excited when they release their new food lineup each year and then I sit on the other side of my computer screen and drool over everyone's Instagramed pictures of country fried bacon on a stick and other artery-clogging delicious shit. Why don't I just go there and get some of my own? Because I would rather swallow flaming razor blades than walk shoulder-to-shoulder with a bunch of strangers. Who knows which random person DIDN'T wash their hands after taking a leak (or a duke) and is now touching the door knob! Who knows which snot-nosed rug-rat just dug in all up in their butt-crack and then touched the same ketchup dispenser that I'm about to touch! I just caught a cold from passing out on a hotel room floor instead of crawling 2 more feet into the bed, okay? Apparently as of this year I catch colds like it's my duty. Get the fuck away from me.

Look how dang happy she is! This is how I look every damned day when I get to put food in my mouth!!

This year I might not have a valid argument because the weather has been pretty decent and fall-like for the past few weeks. Although once the weatherperson utters the word "ninety's" I hibernate the fuck out down in my basement until winter, which is what I'm going to have to do later this week, I hear. I do NOT have any interest in schlepping around the fair for ten hours with tens of thousands of other sweaty people on a 95 degree humid-ass Minnesota August day. NO. THANK. YOU. You know what happens when all those people get around each other all hot and upset, bumping into each other, losing track of their kids, dropping their corn dog in the dirt? They riot. And they kill. All of the sudden you're walking along sipping your lemonade and the next thing you know little kids are taking you out at the knees and their parents are chasing them and ramming their strollers into the back of your damned ankles and you will most likely get shanked!! Let me repeat myself: NOTHANKYOU!!!

Hello, welcome to Hell on Earth!

$20 to park in someone's lawn? And they are not responsible if your vehicle gets broken into??! Hell NO and fuck OFF.

I know that too many of you fuckers plot and plan and take days off of work to attend this hot and humid shit show and I guess to each their own. Have fun schmoozing with all the other hot and swampy People of Walmart and millions of other people's screaming children. Watch where you step and try not to spend your entire paycheck on food and stupid souvenirs that will end up in the garbage in a few days.

Ya'll are nuts. Have fun, stay safe, WASH YOUR FUCKIN HANDS!!!