I made an appointment with my regular doc but for some reason he had to cancel all his visits for a month and I was rescheduled with another doc that I had never seen before. Oh good! Since this new doc doesn't know me maybe I can convince him to give me Adderall! I went in there and gave him my sob story and at the end of it he said, "I'm going to give you Topamax; one of it's side effects is weight loss. If you start to feel depressed or like you want to hurt yourself, stop taking it and call me immediately". Cool. Topamax is a drug that treats migranes (which I have) and also bi-polar and seizure disorder. But if it will make me lose weight, sweet! I was supposed to start out at 5mg and ramp myself up to 50mg over the next two weeks.
On day six of taking the Topamax I was laying in my bed staring at the wall. For twelve hours. I didn't feel like I wanted to hurt myself but I felt like if I didn't wake up in the morning I wouldn't care. I was emotionless and didn't give a single shit about anything. If I never saw my nephews again, I didn't care. If I never saw my family again, I didn't care. Who would take care of Rosie if I didn't wake up tomorrow? I didn't care. A friend picked me up and took me out for supper and when it came time to order my food, I didn't care what I ate and stared at the wall some more. I talked in monotone voice and had a vacant look on my face and I could feel the emptiness creeping up inside me.
I somehow cared enough to know that this wasn't right, what I was feeling. I went back home and laid in bed for ten more hours and stared at the wall. I pictured my life as a big huge empty room with one window and a chair. The chair represented me. I wanted to fill the room with things that I loved but I couldn't because I didn't care about anything anymore. No matter how hard I tried the room remained empty and I was always alone. But I didn't even care that I felt all alone. I couldn't figure out how to make myself feel anything, it was impossible and frustrating.
I finally called my mom and told her something wasn't right. I was only up to 15mg of the Topomax at that point; what would I feel like if I go any higher?! I reassured her that I wasn't going to hurt myself but this feeling of nothingness wasn't okay and I didn't like it. I was afraid of taking any higher dosage because I didn't want to feel even more weird than I already did. She told me to get my ass out of bed and take my dog for a walk and stop taking the Topamax. Should I wean myself off? No, just stop taking it right now. So I did.
It took about 24 hours after the last dose for me to start to feel normal again. I wasn't totally back to my normal self but I knew I was getting there. Another day and a half went by and I finally felt whole again, like nothing weird had ever happened. I stepped on the scale and saw that I had lost 20 pounds in 6 days. That's probably because little by little I lost interest in eating and just stopped all together. I didn't even feel hungry, which was what it was supposed to do, but it also made me an emotionless zombie and that was the scary part.
I know there isn't any magical pill for weight loss, I know that's it takes old fashioned exercise and eating healthy. But I had to try.
I know that if I keep on doing THIS:
Then I'm never going to look like THIS:
Bahahahaaa....okay I'm never going to look like that, who am I kidding?! But I can die trying, right?!
Or I'll just be like:
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