Please Shut Your F-ing Mouth

There's this thing that a majority of the population has in their brain, it's called a FUCKING FILTER.  It prevents you from saying bitchy/rude/disgusting/unnecessary/racist/lame/ignorant shit which in turn keeps you from getting your ass beat.  But lately I've encountered my fair share of fucking tools without filters and the shit that comes out of their mouth is amazing.

"Me and so-and-so finally had sex!"  ... thank you for that fucking mental image that will stick with me even while I'm slowly burning in the bowels of hell.  If I wanted to know about your sweaty sex marathon with the dude that looks like he smells like fucking Limburger, I would have fucking asked.

"So-and-so is sooooo  hot...but don't tell him/her that I said so"... A) This isn't fucking high school, I'm not going to run out and tell that person (unless I'm drunk)  and B) If you think someone is good looking (or "hot" if you have the mind of an adolescent) why WOULDN'T you want them to know?!  Aren't you trying to let them know you are interested so you can see if they are interested back and if they are you can go get shit-faced together and tell me how you bumped uglies a la my first fucking example?!

I like how this person thinks!!

"I tell it like it is, I don't care"... oh really?  So you are the one whose filter was never installed and you just word-vomit all over everyone and are a complete fucking waste of space?  Congratulations, everyone thinks you're a C-word.

Because I believe her to be the Big C.

"My life is over.  My BF/GF/husband/wife/farm animal left me, I'm broke, I can't afford my cable TV, I'm fat, my STD test came back positive for something..."   Oookaayyy...deep breath.  Do you have cancer?  If not then your life is NOT over.  Do you really fuck farm animals?!  To each their own I guess.  (don't you dare go near an Alpaca unless you wanna get CUT) You're broke and you can't afford fancy television?  Get a job or lower your standards and start schlepping fries and MickyD's...the fries gotta get schlepped somehow!  You're overweight?!  Get off your ass and stop shoving your face, problem solved.  (i should take my own damn advice)  Your STD test came back positive?  Stop whoring around you fucking whore.  Come tell me when you have a real fucking problem that needs some real fucking attention.  Bye.

"When I stood up his load fell out of me and like...ran down my leg"... wut?!  Again...with the images.  STOP IT.  Bring a towel into the bedroom/backseat/dark alley if this is a problem...do you have a shallow vagina??  Ok, I'm not a doctor but sometimes I like to pretend I am.  Nobody wants or needs to know about this little tidbit so KINDLY keep it the FUCK to yourself.  Amen.  Ughh.

Alpacas.  I wish I could give birth to it myself.

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