Self-depreciating fat jokes are a MUST

Well, it's no secret that I've struggled with my weight all my life.  I learned early that fat kids get made fun of and in order to get made fun of LESS, I had to find something to set myself apart and make myself different from your run-of-the-mill no-self-esteem fat kid.  What is one thing that everyone has in common? (well, for the most part?)  Everyone loves to laugh.  All I had to do is learn how to make people laugh and it wouldn't matter if I was fat or thin, cute or ugly, a giant asshole or a sweetheart.  So that's what I learned to do, I was funny and I was fat but for the most part people forgot that I was fat.  So for years I got by on being funny, sarcastic, witty, and for the most part, just a really nice person.  My parents raised me and my siblings to be kind, respectful, and compassionate.  And we are.  They did an amazing job.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want their pity.  I am who I am and it's taken almost thirty-two years to realize it and accept it.  But when it comes to being kind and compassionate in regards to myself, all bets are off.  I'm a fat kid for life and there's no denying it.  I even tried the weight-loss surgery route and it was amazing.  It changed my life temporarily and I had never felt better.  But I did it for the wrong reasons and with the wrong intentions and seven years later, I now realize it.  I've gained a lot of the weight back...not all of it, but a considerable amount.  I'm not afraid to admit that I fucked up.  I'm not the only one.  I'm still the fat girl that wants to eat an entire Papa Murphy's pizza in one sitting, I'm still the same girl that wants to order $17 worth of Taco Bell after the bar and not share.  It's a lifestyle change, not just a temporary quick-fix.  I was supposed to eat 1-cup meals and exercise 5 days a week and never eat another stitch of fast food or have another drop of alcohol for the rest of my life?!  I'm sorry sir, I know you are a doctor but who exactly do you think you are kidding?!  Let's be real.  And I make fat jokes at myself and the people around me feel uncomfortable about it but I don't want them to be.  It's funny.  It has to be.  If I can't laugh at myself, then I have nothing.  Laugh along with me, if you feel comfortable doing so.  If you don't, I'll understand.  But please don't ever think to yourself, "why does she do that?  Why would she say something like that?"  It's okay.  I'm used to it...after all, I've been this way a majority of my life.  And I've accepted that  I'm probably going to stay this way in one form or another.  I just want to  be HEALTHY.  I want to trek through the woods with Joe for eight hours without him having to stop and let me rest.  When the time comes for me to have kids, I want to be able to keep up with their endless energy.  I know that is getting less and less likely the older I get but I watch my mom chase my nephews around the yard with a hose and she's almost 57 and I want to be like that.  I don't have to be a stick-thin supermodel to achieve healthiness but I need to do something.  I have an amazing man that loves me (i think!) for all my fatness and slowness through the woods and when I make a fat joke about myself, which is usually every 5 minutes, he doesn't say a word.  He sees me for the kind, compassionate person I am underneath all the fat jokes and he never fails to make me feel beautiful, in his non-verbal Joe-like way.  :)  When I ask him, "Is there anything you want me to change about myself?" and he answers, "Nope.  Otherwise you wouldn't be you."  And that's the best answer that I can ever hope for.  <3