I can take a 5-second incident and turn it into something semi-interesting to read and I've never known bats to take up residence in a toilet before, so I guess I have something to write about for the moment.
So Miss Rosie is gimping around on three legs with her torn doggy ACL and she's not the greatest of potty-trained dogs so it's no surprise that I woke up to a Rosie-turd on the floor of Joe's bedroom last Sunday morning. It was about 9am and he had been long-gone since 5:30am for a fishing tournament and I was more than ecstatic that the dogs allowed me to sleep in past 8am. Usually they are bouncing off the walls by 7am; this must be what it's like to have kids? A small kid that can't quite jump up on the bed and a giant kid that hogs covers. Fur-babies. Anyway, I picked up the little turd with a Kleenex and went out into the hallway to the little bathroom. Let me tell you about this bathroom that is so small and well-hidden that I didn't know it was even there for the first 7 months that Joe and I were dating. It's about the size of a small closet and there is just enough room in it for a toilet and a sink. A very small sink. And a tiny mirror. I've said earlier that Joe's house was built before the invention of indoor plumbing, so like 600 BC or some shit. This bathroom was most likely a closet and was added much later. The walls are whitewashed and there is the most God-awful wallpaper boarder around the middle of the walls that I have ever had the misfortune to lay eyes on. I'm pretty sure it was put up in the early 80's and it's dolphins and whales and seals and whatever the hell else lives in the sea. It's for little kids that grew up in the 80s. It's gross and tacky and I rip a little down each time I go in there and one of these days, oops! It'll be all gone. There are also no light bulbs in the light fixture because I'm sure when the last ones burnt out he didn't bother to replace them. There's a night-light plugged into an outlet in there and it lights it up in there just fine. No light bulbs are necessarily needed. So I open the door to the bathroom and of course the night light is dim and I see something on the side of the toilet bowl and it looked to me like a water stain or something. As I bent over the toilet to throw in the turd I was then closer to the toilet bowl and suddenly made out little ears, then a snout and then the wings. This bat was clinging to the side of the toilet bowl, above the water line, and was just...there. I said, "holy shit!" and backed out of the bathroom and slammed the door. I ran downstairs and grabbed my cell and texted Joe, "there's a fucking bat in the upstairs toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", to which I didn't get a response because he rarely checks his phone when fishing in tournaments. I was not about to deal with this nasty little creature that probably came down from the attic where his whole family probably resides. Why wouldn't he hang out in there, it's dark and quiet and rarely gets used and there's a water source. Awesome. Fucking awesome. So I went to breakfast with my mom and hung out with her at the campground for the rest of the day until Joe came home. He texted me to tell him he was home and I said, "did you get the bat out of the toilet?" And he said, "Nope. Want it for supper?" "Absolutely not, you jerkoff! Please remove it ASAP, the dogs may be up to date on their rabies shots but I am NOT". I waited about another hour because I'm sure he didn't jump off the couch as soon as I told him to get rid of it and when I got back to the house I asked him where the bat was. Out in a tree, he said. He also said it had a huge pecker. What?! Whatever. He put on a leather glove and just grabbed it and put it nicely in a tree. He's totally fearless and does crazy shit like walk up to an opossum in the WILD and pet it...like THIS:
In this picture he's laughing at me because I'm standing there freaking out that the opossum was going to lunge at him and eat his face off. I can't believe I even got this close to take the picture. After this pic he pet it and it snarled at him and showed its teeth and salivated like some insane demon creature and I was beyond terrified. I asked him why the opossum didn't attack or run away and he said it's because they are dumb and slow. So when we walked down the hill away from the demon bastard I couldn't help but glance behind us about 107 times because I just knew that it was going to take a flying leap off that branch and charge down the hill after us and tear out our Achilles tendons! Aren't they nocturnal? Why was this one out in the middle of the day, just chilling on this branch like a boss?? I'll tell you why. Rabies.
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