Sh*t That Sucks

I haven't written a blog in 6 months and here's why: I felt like all I was doing was bitching and moaning about stupid shit, irrelevant shit,  and who the hell wants to read that mess??  I mean, a little venting here and there is fine but I was turning into a full-out fucking cry baby and I was actually getting sick of myself.  So I stopped.  But then the other weekend a friend scolded me and told me that I need to pick that shit back up because it makes his Monday mornings a little bit better.  And who the fuck am I to deny someone a little ray of sunshine, even if it involves a bunch of retarded bullshit when there are people molesting kids and war and Duggars (actually, fuck the Duggars) (and while I'm at it, fuck Jared the Subway guy...pervy douche creep)  I turned 35 the other day (5 days ago) and now I'm here to tell ya'll about all the things that are pissing me off in my old age.  Lets begin.

Allergies:  Ain't nobody got time for that!!  I have the absolute worst fall allergies and about a week and a half ago they fired the fuck up.  And from now until the first freeze here in the great state of Wisconsin (which could be next month or in January, our weather is janky as fuck) I will be a miserable, fat, snot and drool spewing machine that not even the strongest of allergy meds can help.  Please don't try to make out with me, I'll just blow bloody boogers into your mouth.  (Boyfriend is a lucky guy, eh?!)

DOGS:  First of all, they are just like 4-legged children that fucking shed, which I must vacuum weekly but (when they aren't spayed, which 2 out of the 3 aren't) they BLEED ALL OVER EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!  ON. ALL. THE. THINGS. ALL OVER MY HOUSE!!!!  On the couch, in my bed, in the basket of clean laundry, then they proceed to lick their doggy-vaginas 24/7, further grossing me the fuck out and causing me to curse at them.  This is why we can't have nice things...because the dog hair and period blood is out of fucking control.  Why not spay them, you ask?? One is too old but the pup, who just got her FIRST period, might get it.  If I have to do it myself in the garage with two rusty nails and a shitty YouTube video to guide me, so fucking help me GOD, I cannot have TWO bleeding dogs.  No.  Nope.

Here's Rose...the one I don't have to be worried about getting knocked up.  I've yelled at her for a lot of things, to stop licking her vag isn't one of them.  My angel.  

People:  I could go on and on about these people that irk me to my soul but here's a quick recap of the folks that I don't have time for:  non-motivated at work, child molesters and animal abusers and murders that need to be burned at the stake, fuckheads that are rude to their waitresses at FGI Friday's or whatever chain of choice, parents that don't take their screaming-ass child outside when I am trying to enjoy my fake processed food choice at said local restaurant chain and further ruins my dining experience, slow drivers, dickfucks that want to pay for gas/cigs/what-have-you with cash but want to spend 12 minutes digging in their purse for exact change thus making me late for work when all I have to purchase is 2 cheese-sticks and a coffee, How about I just say that ALL PEOPLE ignite fury in me that makes me that makes me impersonal?!  FUCK. PEOPLE.



Music:  I don't have time for songs about giant anaconda dicks and sucking dicks on the dance floor of clubs and Katy Perry's giant bewbs or Miley's lack of said bewbs.  I can't stand heavy bass anymore, I'm no longer a rap-star's girlfriend.  Those things no longer thrill me.  Oh, you have a dick??  So does the rest of 48% of te population.  I'm a redneck's GF and although he prefers silence, I love my county music.  Bro-country.  What the fuck ever you want to call it, I love it and we pay big money go listen to it every summer and that will never stop.  EVER.   Don't try to tell me that Jason Aldean ain't country, don't try to tell me that Blake Shelton is a drunk, and I don't give two shits if you think Sam Hunt is a douchebag.  I can understand their lyrics and that's what I like.  Rain is a good thing, yo!

He can do no wrong.

Bullying:  Here's the thing.  We ALL are guilty of thinking negatively about someone for whatever reason, whether it's legit or trivial.  But a LOT of people lack the common sense to keep that shit to themselves.  Thinking it in your brain and actually saying it are two different things.  Remember what our mothers taught us: Don't say anything you wouldn't want said back to you...if it hurts your feelings it would probably hurt theirs too.  And if you can't comprehend that simple fact, well fuck off.  I almost want to say, If Dawson Leery can handle it, you can, my friend.  Although Dawson wasn't bullied in the way we typically think of, he did lose his girlfriend to his best friend and that's being a bully, Pacey Witter!  (Although I'm partial to Pacey anyway, so much that I might name my first born after him...boy OR girl, doesn't matter!)  And if you can't get any Dawson reruns....this pretty much sums it up.  Bottom line...don't be a dickhead to other people, if you don't like what they're wearing today judge them in your head but don't let it come out of your mouth.  Because look at you, you're wearing Crocs, dude.

Dryer Sheets:  I am at a constant fucking battle with these fucktards.  You put them in your dryer to make your laundry "softer" and smell better but I swear their sole purpose is to make me bend over too much and ruin my life.  And by bend over too much I mean,,,(stop it, pervs!!) I've learned how to pick that shit up with my TOES.  I find those fucks in my jeans pockets, in a sock, one time it was even wedged up my ass from my undies.  I can't be picking dryer sheets out of my orifices...shit.  NO.

The rest of you all...fuck off. :)

And as usual.....

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