Merry Christmas, My Little Sh*ts!

For Christmas this year I'm going to do something a little different for my niece and nephews.  Rather than get them another toy that will end up at the bottom of a toy box next month or another outfit that they will grow out of by the end of the year, I'm going to invest in their future!

When you say something like that kids be like:

Kids don't think about the future, they think about right NOW.  They are looking for more presents under the Christmas tree with their name on it because that's what kids do.  Well I'm about to piss my sister's kids off for the time being but they will thank me later, when they are old enough to appreciate what I'm about to do for their punk asses.

Right now they're like:

I'm going to open a savings account for each of them and every year for their birthday and Christmas I will deposit $100 in it; so $200/year per kid.  When they turn 18 I will transfer the account to their name and they must use the money for college, a car, something useful, etc.  They are not allowed to spend it on a giant bouncy house for their frat house.  They are also not allowed to use it to buy 50 kegs of beer.  I've compiled a list of things that they are NOT allowed to spend it on:

A lifetime supply of Poptarts

Porn

Hookers and blow

Any other kind of drugs.  Unless of course, they share.  (I kid, I kid!)

These $10k jeans because A) I'm not giving you that much anyway and B) No kin of mine will walk around wearing douchey jeans like these.  Not on my dime.

Spring Break unless you are going to a nunnery/monastery.

Sports cars...actually anything that goes faster than a golf cart is not allowed.

Fake tits

HELL NO!!!!!

A diamond-encrusted Blackberry.  Nobody needs that shit.

You know how people have a lucky rabbit's foot? There is a lucky fox tail available for purchase as well but I FUCKING FORBID IT!!!

If you REALLY want a fox tail that bad Uncle Joe can get one for you for FREE.

A $1400 crocodile-handle umbrella you say??  Nope, not gonna happen.

A $350 TIffany ballpoint pen?!  Get a life!

This fucking ugly hat.  

Ew

Someone to stand in line for you??  At Linestanding.com you can pay someone an hourly rate to go to a location and stand there until you come to switch places with them.  Don't be a fucking lazy twat, do it yourself if you must. 

A lifelike bust to hold your ashes when you die.  That shit's creepy as fuck and nobody wants your head on their mantle staring down at them for the rest of eternity.

Fuck that.

A jet-pack

A tank

A levitating hovercraft...wait. I take that back. That sounds kinda sweet.

Uranium...actually at the time that I wrote this blog Uranium is currently out of stock which makes me wonder what kind of lunatic bought it all and is making bombs out of it as we speak.

I'm sure I could come up with an even longer list but this blog is making my brain hurt and I'm over it. I'm meeting friends for dinner and drinks this evening and that's all I can focus on at the moment.  

Actually, I should put a clause in there that says they must each own at least one Alpaca and dress it up during the holidays and parade it around their neighborhood. I think that's the best way they could thank me for my generosity. 

Auntie's no fun, is she?!