This morning I stopped at Holiday gas station because on the radio they were announcing that it was Free Coffee Tuesday. To a broke-ass bitch like me this is spectacular news! So I pulled into the nearest Holiday store and as I walked towards the door a wave of panic came over me. Teenager after wretched teenager spewed forth out every door of the store and suddenly my body went into Fight-or-Flight mode. I tend to get anxiety when I'm around large groups of people (like at a concert) but I usually solve that problem by getting drunk. But it was 7:30am, I was not drunk and yet I was surrounded by hoards of unruly crotch-spawn and I had nothing but my instincts to protect me. What the holy hell were all these assholes doing at the gas station all at once so early in the morning?! I glanced across the street and noticed a high school and got my answer. I didn't have time to waste so I took a deep breath and went in, thinking to myself:
Once inside I realized that these gas station employees must deal with the bombardment of teens on a daily basis given their unfortunate location. But when there is free shit involved, watch out. It was every man for himself up in that bitch. A lovely Holiday employee named John stood at the door with a sleeve of coffee cups in one hand and a stack of lids in the other and was just handing them out. As I grabbed a cup and bobbed and weaved my way towards the coffee machines I couldn't help but overhear all the madness going on around me, specifically the swearing and crude language they were using at each other. Words and phrases I hadn't even heard before! Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with swearing, I do it all the fucking time. But there is a time and a place for it and shouting obscenities at the top of your lungs in the middle of a gas station is not the time nor the place! It took every ounce of restraint in me not to turn around and look one of those little twats in the face and hiss:
After I filled my cup I knew that I needed to get out immediately since I could feel my blood pressure rising and I didn't really feel like going to jail today. I splashed some creamer in my coffee, grabbed a stir stick and a lid and turned around to make a beeline for the door. But some little inpatient fuck-wad couldn't wait three seconds for me to get out of his way and elbowed his way past me to get to the front of the line. In doing so he nailed me in the arm with his giant backpack causing me to spill scalding hot coffee all over my hand and the floor. He turned half-way around and threw me an "Oh, my bad" over his shoulder and continued about his business. You can imagine how bad I wanted to slap him upside the head and lecture him about the importance of using the words, "Excuse me, I'm sorry or Pardon me". I knew I had two more seconds to get out of there before I set that store on fire.
I stood outside the gas station by the garbage can, stirring my coffee and securing the lid when behind me I hear two boys arguing with each other; one wants a ride to school and the other is telling him that he has "a full motherfucking car man, you shoulda called me this morning about a fuckin ride before I had a full fuckin car...walk your lazy ass across the street! Naw, naw....get out of the car man...I got a full fuckin ride!" He grabs the kid trying to score a ride (the school is ACROSS THE STREET...the other kid was right, walk your lazy ass over there) and throws him on the ground. Am I about to witness a goddamn fight right now?! I stood there and glared at the boy standing over the one on the ground, cleared my throat extra-loud and gave him the look that I often give my sister's kids when they are beating the crap out of each other and pissing me the fuck off. You know the look:
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| Resting Bitch Face |
The one kid stumbled to his feet and walked off towards school, cussing the whole way. I walked to my vehicle, not breaking eye contact with the chubby ginger until I was inside with the doors locked. You can never be too careful, Gingers are crazy.
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| He seriously looked like this kid. |
I had driven by two other Holiday stores on my way to work that were nowhere near a high school or any kid of place that these obscene kids might frequent. Next Tuesday I will be sure to stop at one of those stores instead of Purgatory On 98th Street, Where the Wild Things Are, Nightmare On 98th Street, whatever you want to fucking call it! And just remember, while smacking other people's disorderly children is against the law, killing them with the Mom-Look is just as effective.
And now...a little piece of happiness:
If you like this shit and want to see more shit like it then click on this shit:
And in case you're wondering, yes I was a perfect angel when I was a teenager! Besides occasionally stealing my mom's cigs, I was a saint. I'm serious. Ask her yourself! And I was taught manners, lots of them.
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