2014 Resolutions That I'm NOT Going To Make

Everyone makes New Years Resolutions but I would be interested to know how many people actually follow through with them.  Lord knows I don't.  I can't.  It's impossible.  I've tried so hard with the best of intentions.  Nope, I just must be a lazy fucker.  Here's why:

I love food waaaay too much to be on a diet:

I don't mind exercising but I hate sweating...therefor:

I would try to be less sarcastic and more sincere but:

I could try to stop being so over-dramatic:

But I'm not going to stop being a cocky asshole:

This is one of my most favorite Denzel moments in history.

I could try to pull off a narwhal costume at Halloween:

I could try to get knocked up but:

Actually that doesn't even have to be a resolution, I was gonna drink ALL the wine anyway.

And because kids be like:

Awww, she's so proud!

Actually this is more like it:

*Sigh*  

Such a failure.

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Years Eve and Day and is working out and eating healthy and quit smoking crack and stopped banging the mailman.....