One of my favorite things about GS was selling COOKIES every year! We always had a friendly competition to see who could sell the most boxes and although I never won, I always tried my hardest every single year. Since "Cookie Season" is in the winter, I would get bundled up in my winter layers and walk my little fat ass up and down the street every day after school and for about four hours each day on the weekends. Never once did my mom drive me around the 'hood in the Dodge mini-van so I wouldn't freeze my little tootsies off. Never once did she take my cookie order sheet to work and tirelessly hound her co-workers to buy. I did it all by myself, year after year, for twelve years. Starting this year I vow to never buy another box of cookies from someone's mom; the only cookies I'm buying are from the little girls who knock on my front door bundled up so tight that all I can see is their eyeballs sticking out from underneath their hats and scarves.
Knock knock..."hello ma'am, would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies? They are about $500/box nowadays!" Absolutely, ya cute little shit! Sign me up for 85 cases of the chocolate/peanut butter ones!
Of course cookies aren't $500/box but they have almost doubled in price since I was schlepping them through the streets of Lakeville. Which is another reason I can't buy them from just anybody, I can only afford like three boxes.
And what is this shit they do buying an extra two hundred boxes and then camp out in the entryway of the grocery store and try to hawk their cookies when all I want to do is run in and run out without spending a small fortune on cookies that this chunky monkey doesn't need?? Pretty sure my parents would have laughed in my face if I asked them to shell out extra money to buy extra boxes for me to sell because guess what happens to all those extra boxes you don't sell? You're fucking stuck with them. Nope, Ma and Pops rarely allowed sugar in the house as it was, you think they were going to take a gamble at my amateur saleskid skills and potentially get stuck with a million cases of extra cookies? Fuck that.
This probably isn't politically correct but I don't care.
Like I said, I learned a lot during my years with the GS. For example, I learned that the girls in my troop that were bitchy little brats as kids grew up to be even bigger twat-waffles as adults and I pray their kids are just as big of jerks to them as they were at that age. I learned the value of self-esteem (which is why I constantly refer to myself as a fatty) and leadership skills (I'm the Break Room Police at work, yo!!) I also learned the value of a dollar (3-Buck Chuck is the cheapest decent wine) I learned that you should not fuck around and be silly around a campfire because you will fall into the burning coals hands-first and that shit fucking hurts like hell. There are probably a lot of other things I learned but I can't recall them at the moment because the sound of my rumbling gut telling me to feed it is overpowering pretty much everything else in my life right now.
At least I didn't end up like this hooker here:
(damn it!)
ALPACA TUSHIES!!
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