Pooping at Work: It's Not for Everyone

Please don't continue to read this if you are grossed out by poop or anything related to poop because the truth is, everybody poops.  It's a natural part of life that every single human and animal does (almost) every single day and people should just learn to deal with it and not let it make them gag.  Seriously.  We're all adults here, we can talk openly and frankly about taking a dump.  At work.  Right?  Here's your chance to back out and go read something about puppies and sunshine if you can't handle it. 

Awwww...puppies.

Don't say I didn't warn you.  One, two, three, GO!

A lot of people have a pooping-at-work phobia that I've never been able to figure out because it has never occurred to me to be embarrassed about pooping or farting since it's a natural human function.  Of course I don't let one rip at the dinner table or in a crowed elevator, come on.  I have proper pooping and farting etiquette, I wasn't born in a barn.  But when I have to go and I'm at work or in public, I have to go.  There is no waiting until I get home.  Of course pooping in the privacy and comfort of your own bathroom is generally preferred but it's not always a reality.  And since that can't always happen, it's best to have a plan if you're going to expand your pooping horizons and dare to dump at work.  And luckily I have a few co-workers who share my carefree attitude about pooping at work and we all work together to make it as much of a painless and pleasant experience as possible.  For example, we have designated bathrooms throughout the building that are used for #2.  And now since our department has moved to the building next door, the floor above us is completely vacant and we have unlimited access to the bathrooms on that floor and it's been heaven.  (although I think that some other people throughout the building are aware of the vacancy as well because I have seen some unfamiliar people milling around in the vicinity of that bathroom area and if they were smart they would buzz off )  We can walk out the door of our little call center and there is a stairwell across the hall that we can utilize for a swift escape to the fourth floor if necessary.  We have to send an email to each other every time we go to the bathroom (or leave our desks for any reason, for that matter.  Don't even ask me about it, it's ridiculous, I know) and we will just shoot an email to the whole group that says, Bathroom BRB.  And if it takes more than 5 minutes for you to return, then your co-workers can probably safely bet that you were dropping the kids off at the pool and they would be smart to wait 15+ minutes to use the bathroom.  If that's not possible, there's a one-stall bathroom in the scary basement that can be used, but access to it isn't as speedy as using the stairs.  You must take the creepy, scary service elevator that looks like someone has been murdered in to the basement and it takes forever.  It's also rickety and rape-y and if it ever got stuck and I had to shimmy out the top of it a la Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, you can bet my fat ass would just sit in the corner and die a slow and painful death because there's no way that's happening.  It's one of THOSE elevators.  I also think I'm going to track down a bottle of air freshener for the bathroom; it's hospital grade and that shit works nice.  I've always been the person who needs something to do when I'm pooping, like read a book or magazine or play a game on my phone.  Ever since I was a kid, I've always needed reading material.  Even if it's the back of a box of cereal that I grab off the counter while sprinting to the bathroom...anything will do!  I have a special basket that hooks on the toilet tank in my bathroom for magazines and it holds about 4 or 5 magazines from 2007.  Do you know how many times I've read those five year-old magazines?  Too many to remember but if I don't remember to grab my phone, they'll do in a pinch.  How do people even go to the bathroom without any kind of reading material is beyond me.

I really don't fart in shared work spaces if I can help it, I just thought this was a funny E-card.  I know it's not polite and I'm not trying to send anyone to their grave early so I have the decency to walk away or at least own up to my fart if one presents itself unexpectedly.  Unlike my significant other, who takes great pleasure and pride in farting in the bed and then trapping me under the covers multiple times per day, any chance he gets.  No amount of punching, pinching, cussing, kicking, biting, or shots to the groin will deter him from doing this in the future so I've come to the conclusion that I just need to learn to live with it.  Gawd, he sucks.