Last week I found out that I'll be going to Tampa for work for a month...A MONTH! It's actually longer than that, it's 5 weeks. I've never traveled by myself let alone been away from home for that long by myself. I've always relied on friends to check me into the airport the night before and know where we need to go once we get there. Now I have to be a fucking adult and do all this shit myself. I'm slightly freaking out and it's still about 11 weeks away. I'm also slightly irritated by the fact that I heard a rumor that I might have to share a room with another company employee. A complete fucking stranger. All up in my personal space. FOR A MONTH. I don't know all the details yet but if in fact they do make us share a room I am prepared to inform the powers that be that I absolutely need my own room and here is why:
I have sleep apnea and I snore like a goddamn wildebeest. Whomever is stuck rooming with me will want to smother me in my sleep after the first night. I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and if the snoring doesn't kill them, my bathroom rituals will.
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| Roommate be like... |
I'm a nudist. As soon as work is done and I get back to the hotel room I will strip naked without a care in the world and it's going to make someone uncomfortable. I also plan on getting drunk and smoking crack every evening after work to unwind, also in the nude. Most people aren't down with crack. Or nudists.
I'm a sleepwalker. A violent sleepwalker. Every night I get out of bed and beat the shit out of anyone in the room and have no recollection of it the next day. Go ahead, ask my boyfriend why he wears full body armor to bed every night. It's a miracle that I even have a boyfriend.
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| They'll need to wear this while they sleep. Looks comfy! |
I have to fall asleep with the TV and bathroom light and bathroom fan on and the room at 52 degrees. If these things are not in place, I will not be able to sleep. If my jerk off roommate turns the TV off after I've fallen asleep, thinking they are being sneaky, I will wake up and beat the shit out of them and have no recollection of it the next day. Nobody wants to deal with that. Just ask my boyfriend.
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| Don't let this be you. |
When my boyfriend comes to visit me on the weekend we plan on having a group orgy with sketchy people I will find on Craigslist. We will be smoking crack and probably injecting unknown substances into our veins that the sketchy orgy folks brought. I'm not sure a roommate would appreciate my choice in weekend activities.
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| It's going to be so much fun |
I'm an absolute slob. I will insist that our room is never cleaned by housekeeping because those bitches steal your shit. So that means no clean sheets, no clean towels, dirty clothes, moldy take-out boxes, garbage cans overflowing with used condoms and shared needles...all over the room. FOR A MONTH.
Of course none of these things are true (except the IBS) but I have spent all morning coming up with ridiculous yet believable reasons that I should not have a roommate. I think my bullshit sounds pretty good. I'm not afraid to lie to get what I want.
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