So two weeks before the wedding was my sister's bachlorette weekend at Breezy Point Resort in northern Minnesota. It was set for Labor Day weekend but we were only staying Friday and Saturday nights. Friday night we got up there around diner time and we ate tacos and drank lots of beer and shots and I think around 10pm we decided to walk to the bar that's inside the resort. I don't really remember much of that bar but there are pictures of me there and I pretty much went there in my PJ's and no makeup and I look like a homeless zombie. Classy. The next morning we woke up and ate breakfast and started drinking more beer and other beverages, we pretty much skipped lunch and went to the beach for a few hours and then I made dinner but nobody really ate it. Then we showered and got ready to go back to the bar for a fun night.
We got to the bar and the bride realized she forgot her ID back at our condo. They would NOT let her in without it. One of the other girls went back with her to get it and I grabbed a drink and sat down at a picnic table near the entrance to wait for them. I was perfectly content with my drink and my cigs, watching the staff tear down the Elvis impersonator's stage that he had just finished performing on. All of the sudden some random guy plops down next to me and asks to use my lighter. I hand it to him, he lights his cig, and gives it back. Awkward silence for the next 30 seconds until he says, "my name is John...you are?" It took everything in me not to be completely rude and say, "NOT INTERESTED" but I just gave him a half-assed smile and said, "Brianne" and kind of turned away from him so that maybe he would get the hint that, hey maybe she's not interested. Nope. He kept chatting and yammering and I was taught to never be downright rude to people so I only gave him half of my attention and focused more on the people coming through the entrance, hoping and praying that my sister would magically appear in her white party bachlorette veil. I couldn't tell you a damn thing that he said. FINALLY she came back and I grabbed her and bee-lined it into the crowd of dancing people, desperate to get away from the yakking creeper. She wanted to find the other girls so we went looking for them and found them sitting with a large group of guys that told us they were a Canadian hockey team! (Later I found out they were NOT a Canadian hockey team, but they were from Canada. Winnipeg, to be exact. Only one of them had played hockey at some point in his life.) They were nice and were not trying to hit on us so we hung out with them for a while. I think we were all intrigued with their funny accents. I went back up to the bar for another beer and on the way back I saw this big muscular guy in a tight shirt standing with some other people and I walked right up to him and socked him in the arm.
"Ow! What did you do that for?" he said.
"Because you have big arms and you look like you can handle a punch".
"What if I punched you in the boob?"
"NOT the same! That would hurt really bad!"
"Well you have big boobs, they look like they could handle a punch".
"I guess you have a point. But it would hurt a lot more than being punched in the arm. Is your name Steve?"
"Why, do you think I look like Steve Austin, the wrestler? I get that all the time".
"Yes! That's exactly what I thought!"
"No, my name is actually Alex".
"Alex? I don't like that name. I'll just call you Steve, okay? Nice to meet you, Steve! Don't go around punching big boobs, I'm telling you, it would really hurt. Most girls would cry"
This is how I make friends.
I made it back to the faux-Canadian hockey team table and a guy walks up and asks, "Is this the bachlorette party from last night?" and I said, um...sure. (I guess we met him at the bar the night before but I don't remember...remember?) And I said, "You look just like Luke Bryan! Do you know who Luke Bryan is?!" He said no. "You know, the country singer! Don't you know the boom-boom song?!" He replied, "No. I'm from Canada, I don't know who that is". Damn it. Well anyway, I kept calling him Luke Bryan and toted him around the bar for the rest of the night, he showed me pics of his wife and kids so I knew he wasn't going to try to rape any of us in the bushes. Whew!! Somehow I got separated from the girls when I went to the bathroom and back to the bar for another drink and I was outside looking for them and all of the sudden a fight amongst like 10 men broke out all around me; I was literally standing in the middle of all these men who were pushing and shoving and throwing punches and all I was concerned about was not getting punched in the face and/or spilling my drinks. I stood there for about 30 seconds trying to decide what to do and all of the sudden I heard my name and a hand reached into the crowded fighting mess and grabbed me and lead me to safety. Damn it...it was John the Creeper. I thanked him for saving me and my drinks and said I needed to find the other girls and tried to ditch him as fast as possible. Inside the bar a live band had started to play and I ran up to the front where the band was and looked for my girls. Before I knew it, I was in the middle of a gay-man sandwich and there were gay men in super-short sparkly spandex shorts dancing all around me and on me and at first I felt really awkward.
"Um, this is kind of weird. I have a boyfriend, you guys".
"Honey, we're gay. All of us. We just like to dance with straight girls. Don't worry honey, we're not trying to f*ck you. We're going to go home and f*ck each other later."
Really?! Well...when you look at it that way, I decided it was okay to dance with the gay guys. They were MUCH more fun to dance with than straight guys. And I loved their sparkly short-shorts. I realized that I had been dancing with my new sparkly friends for quite some time and I needed to find the girls because the crowd was starting to thin out, which meant bar close was near. I don't remember which girl I found but I walked back to our condo with her and as soon as we walked in, I realized that our condo was packed with people. Mostly dudes. I think there was actually only one other girl, besides us girls. She was really nice, and she literally looked like Heidi the Dutch milk maid, blond braids and all.
They were all really nice, police, and decent people. None of them tried any funny business with any of us, nothing was stolen or destroyed, and even though there was plenty of bottles of booze and wine sitting out, all they drank was our beer, which was fine. They even left when asked. Even Luke Bryan stopped by to say hello.
We had a blast and even though the hungover Sunday morning 4-hour drive home was absolutely miserable, it was all worth it. It was a fun and great last hurrah for Kassie before her wedding and plenty of fun was had by all. Kelly introduced us to the song "Let's Have a Kiki" and it became the theme song of the weekend and we played it non-stop. We defiantly had ourselves one marvelous kiki and I can't wait until it's MY turn! :)
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