So I'm a chicken-shit. I'm afraid of a lot of things and as I sit here typing this, I am currently scared. I am home alone, at night, and I don't like it, it scares me. My living quarters consist of the basement of my brother's house and it's not like I live in the ghetto; I grew up in this town. But I am deathly afraid to leave my ground-level windows open during the night because a rapist might silently cut open the screen and have his way with me and all I have is Neurotic Dog to protect me. I'm scared to death of rapists and the act of rape. I have three knives hidden in case of an attack. I'm also afraid of the dark, but only in specific circumstances, such as being alone in the dark. Also, being alone in the dark in an unfamiliar place and with unfamiliar people. The only time I am ever okay with being alone in the dark is when I am at my parents house and that's probably because I grew up in that house. Being in Joe's house alone in the dark would be my absolute worst nightmare because his house was built before the invention of indoor plumbing, which was in the 1800's. That's a long fucking time ago so you know someone has died in that house which means it is haunted. And he's told me it's haunted by a woman and I swear I've heard her walk around upstairs and close doors. Not joking. I'm also really jumpy and I scare easily, even when I know something it going to pop out at me. You know those emails you get that tell you to look really close at this picture and something neat will happen so you get your face three inches from the screen and you're staring intently and then OHMYFUCKINGGOD the face of the girl from the Exorcist pops up along with a high pitched scream and I almost crap my pants. I could watch it 100 more times and it would still make me jump out of my Crocs every single time.
I'm also afraid of irrational things, like the yellow Teletubbie, the baby in the sky, dead people, any type of bug, chalkboards, not being able to see what kind of sea-critter is swimming around underneath me in the lake, old lady undergaments, and when my brother-in-law tucks his t-shirts into his sweatpants. There are no good explainations for these irrational fears, I've tried to come up with logical reasons but I really don't have any. There are also a handful of words that I don't like but I only don't like them when other people say them. It's okay for me to say them, not you. Piddle, corpse, nectar, box, bunglaow, chartreuse, and thingamajigger. Why? I don't know. They give me goosebumps and I get nervous. I am also deathly afraid of being kidnapped but I am also comforted by knowing that it's hard to kidnap a fat kid. You can't very easily throw me over your shoulder and stuff me into a trunk and turn me into a sex slave. That would require the work of like three strong men and it's much easier to go after those skinny girls that can be tucked under your arm and ran with. Hoisting me into the trunk would probably throw the kidnapper's backs out. Am I completely nuts? Probably. Do I spend too much time over-analyzing why I have these childish, insane fears and how can I put an end to them before I end up in the funny farm? Absolutely. When we're out at the bar one night and step outside for a cig you better not think it's funny to all of the sudden ditch me in a dark, unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. I probably won't ever speak to you again.
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